A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Lunatic Cafe’ chapter twenty eight


Anita is woken, as per usual, by the ringing of her phone. It is not be her bedside, as Richard in his Cosby jumper (because seriously, they are Bill Cosby jumpers – you can tell this was written in the nineties) took the phone out her room so she could sleep. Sweet, but it didn’t fucking work.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Sergeant Rudolf Storr. I asked him to wait til I had to wake you, but he was pretty insistent.”

I could imagine. “It’s all right.”

“Would fifteen minutes have killed him?” Richard asked.

I swung my legs out from under the covers. “Dolph’s in the middle of a murder investigation, Richard. Patience isn’t his strong suit.”

HA!

You haven’t mentioned the murder since chapter eight. It has not been talked of in depth or with interest since page 67. It is now page 244. So as far as I can tell, Dolph’s been sat with his thumb wedged firmly up his ass for about three days. Inpatient my ass.

Anita takes the phone only for Dolph to jump down her throat wanting to know who Richard is and why he’s answering her phone. Uh, why is it anything to do with you, Dolph? Anita calls him out on this crap (hey look, she’s being reasonable again! Quick, catch her before she changes!) and Dolph gets angry. He says they’ve found a skin and yells at her until Anita apologises for rightly questioning why he needs to know intimate details of her life. He gives her the address and after she says she can’t drive, he offers to have Zerbrowski drive her over. Dolph then laughs.

It was good to hear him laugh. It meant not many people had died this time. Dolph didn’t laugh much during serial-killer cases.

… How many serial killers are there in St Louis?

Anita announces that she’s going and Richard attempts to have a spine for a while by saying that if he tried to ‘do something’ with no discussion with her, she would be pissed. I am not sure where that even begins to make sense. Does that mean everything? Like, if Richard wanted to go to the supermarket and didn’t talk over it with Anita, then she’d be allowed to be angry about it? I understand wanting to talk about her going out with that head injury but his argument is so vague as to negate its existence.

“This is police business, Richard. People die when I don’t do my job.”

People die when you do your job, Anita.

Richard talks about how she doesn’t work for the police and apparently this is one of Bert’s favourite things to say, despite absolutely no signs of this at all in any of the books.

“I don’t just help the police, Richard. The spook squad is just over two years old. The cops on it didn’t know shit about preternatural creatures. It was a garbage detail. Do something to piss off your superiors and you get transferred.”

“The newspapers and TV said it was an independent task force like the major task force. That’s an honor.”

“Oh, yeah, right. The squad gets almost no extra funding. No special training in preternatural creatures or events. Dolph, Sergeant Storr, saw me in the paper and contacted Bert. There was no training in preternatural crime for law officers in this country. Dolph thought I could be an adviser.”

It never fails to surprise and frustrate me how dumb Hamilton’s expanded universe is.

It. Does. Not. Make. Any. Sense. For. The. Police. To. Know. NOTHING ABOUT VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES WHEN THEY HAVE POLICE DEPARTMENTS AND LEGAL SYSTEMS IN PLACE TO DEAL WITH THEM.

WHY DO THE POLICE KNOW NOTHING? WHY? WHEN VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES LIVE OPENLY IN SOCIETY, THEN WHY DID THE AMERICA GOVERNMENT GO ‘WELL, WE COULD TRY AND INVESTIGATE IT WHEN INEVITABLY SOMEONE IS MURDERED BY A VAMPIRE OR THEY RAPE AND MAIM OR ARE THE TARGET FOR HATE CRIMES, BUT FUCK IT, WE CAN’T EXTEND OUR ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE FUCKING ECONOMY TO DEAL WITH THIS PART OF OUR SOCIETY’? WHY DO THE POLICE KNOW NOTHING? WHY ARE THEY NOT TRAINED? WHY DO THE POLICE NOT WANT TO DO THEIR FUCKING JOB AND CONSIDER IT DEMEANING TO INVESTIGATE MURDER AND RAPE AND STALKING AND HATE CRIMES? HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM HAMILTON? WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE BY TRYING TO FEED ME THE BULLSHIT THAT NO ONE WOULD GIVE A FUCK ABOUT VAMPIRE CRIMES JUST SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR PATHETIC SELF-INSERT SEEM MORE IMPORTANT AND INTELLIGENT AND EMANCIPATED AND ALL THE OTHER BULLSHIT THAT COMES WITH IT? DON’T TRY TO FEED ME DOG SHIT AND TELL ME IT’S ICE CREAM!

I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Oh, no, I remember – that Hamilton is a hack writer and is unable to think with any semblance of logic. So let’s have a Hiddles/Hal spam.

That needed a lot of pictures. I am very angry right now. I do not like to insult people – I am angry at their work, not them, because I don’t like being mean to people I don’t personally know – but I am just cross that something so lazy was allowed to slip past the editors for the sake of some woman’s wish fulfilment fantasy land.

Would this be a regular occurence if we married? Would I be forever explaining myself? God, I hope not.

Yeah, explaining your actions to people is such a terrible thing.

Why was this published. Why do people think the character of Anita Blake is this amazing feminist icon.

Zerbrowski arrives and herp derp i don’t like him. Anita rushes about and Zerbrowski and Richard talk.

“How long have you been dating?”

“Since November,” I said.

“Two months, not bad. Katie and I were engaged two months after our first date.” [Zerbrowski’s] eyes sparkled, his grin was mocking. He was pulling my leg, he didn’t know it was coming off in his hands.

Richard looked at me. The look was long and serious. “Two months isn’t very long, really.”

A few things to get off my chest.

  • They haven’t been dating two months unless it’s suddenly become January without me noticing.
  • I don’t like Zerbrowski.
  • I dislike him as much as I dislike run-on sentences that lack adequate punctuation.
  • No, it’s not that long. Richard, honey, run as fast as your legs can take you.

Anita is all sad because apparently their engagement is suddenly over without any indications in the text and she doesn’t know whether she ought to be kissing Richard goodbye. She does anyway and it is ~*dreamy*~.

“Wait ’til I tell Dolph we were late because you were smooching with some guy.”

Fuck off Zerbrowski. I didn’t realise they let teenage boys become police officers.

“Blake, I have seen everything now. The heap-big vampire slayer in luuv.”

Fuck off Zerbrowski. Seriously.

They leave and they chat about his wedding anniversary and then about how dangerous schools are and then Zerbrowski says that she shouldn’t have cold feet. He must be telepathic because Anita hasn’t actually said that she was engaged to Richard out loud.

“I know that look, Blake. You are a drowning woman, and the only way out is down the aisle.”

Romantic?

Anita then goes on a panic about houses and babies. If you’re freaking out at the thought of living with someone, then maybe you shouldn’t be considering marriage to him. Or not, seeing as you might not be engaged anymore. I have no idea what’s happening here. There’s fourteen chapters left and I have no idea what’s going on.

These books just get worse and worse.

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6 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Lunatic Cafe’ chapter twenty eight

  1. lol Cosby sweater

    Yeah, the whole ‘police know nothing about monsters!’ makes no sense. At all.

    The phrase “heap-big” was used by Native Americans in a lot of old Western movies, in which said Natives were generally depicted pretty offensively. I don’t know if using the phrase itself is offensive or not, but I do know I’ve never heard it IRL. Only in Anita Blake novels. And, as with a lot of Anita Blake’s personal verbal quirks, like “flavor of monster/psychic/law enforcement/etc.” and “I would so think this/I am so not hungry/etc.”, it’s something that she doesn’t just say, but everyone else too. I hate that. I know it’s small but I hate that everyone has the same bizarre use of slang that she does versus just her being weird. Does LKH think people really talk like that? Maybe that’s how people really do talk in St. Louis? 80s/90s St.Louis?

    Oh, btw, I’d like to nominate you for the Liebster Blog Award! It’s basically a nifty way to increase traffic. See directions here on what to do if you accept =D
    http://a-sporking-rat.livejournal.com/18288.html

    • Oh wow, thank you! I’ll check that out when I can!

      The lack of unique character voices is staring to piss me off. Everyone talks the same. No one has any unique verbal tics so I can tell them apart from each other. They are all the same.

    • I’m Australian and we say “heaps cool/heaps fun” but I’ve never heard of anyone saying “heap big” before (except in the offensive native american stereotype you just mentioned)

  2. I just find it hilarious that you seem to so vehemently dislike my two favorite characters (Zerbrowski and Edward). I don’t remember if I liked Edward this far back, but by the time of Obsidian Butterfly, he’d basically become my favorite character. He and Zerbrowski are the main reasons I still read the series. That and not having to pay for the books, since my mom has been hooked since book 1.

  3. Okay, one could say Anita and Richard have been dating for (nearly) two months if they had started dating in early November. If so that would be all (or most) of November and then most of December (as it’s nearly Christmas).

  4. I live in Kansas City (Missouri, not Kansas). No one says “Heap big” around here. I’ve never heard of it before these books and I have lived in this area and very rural areas in Missouri all my life.

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