A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Lunatic Cafe’ chapter twenty five


“Did you hear me, ma petite? I could kill your Richard. […] I would love to tear out his heart and watch him die.” He walked past me. The black shirt fanned around him, exposing his stomach as he moved.

Stop going on about JC’s shirt. Please stop going on about how he moves. It’s positively Cullen-esqe and I do not like it.

JC talks about how Anita just stinks of love and Anita says she will kill him if he hurts Richard. I’m rather glad for her constant need to murder people in this situation.

“You would try to kill me, but I am not so easily killed.” He sat down on the couch again, shirt spreading out around him, leaving most of his upper body exposed. The cross-shaped burn scar was a shiny imperfection on his flawless skin.

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Move over Anita – I’ll kill him myself.

Anita decides to use a bad metaphor instead of just saying ‘No, you have no say over my life, chew toy’. She talks about how this dance will not stop until one of them is dead. JC’s already dead, FYI. He is merely allowed to exist because he trims Mister Puddykin’s ass hair just right.

“You have dated him for months

No, no she hasn’t. She’s dated Richard for a month and (let’s be generous here) two weeks. Max. That’s why this whole marriage thing is ridiculous.

and I have said little. Before you marry him, I want equal time.”

I looked at him. “What do you mean, ‘equal time’?”

“Date me, Anita, give me a chance to woo you.”

No, you entitled twatwaffle.

You would be forcing Anita to date you (possibly have sex with you) by holding the threat of killing her boyfriend over her head. This has all sorts of awful problems involving consent, assault and rape. Anita can have you executed for all of these things. JC, you are dumber than a box of hair. No wonder you live eternity as the slave of a overweight, neurotic cat.

Anita says he ‘has a point’. No. No he doesn’t. He is not entitled to date you via blackmail. But if he’d have dated her first, she might be in love with JC now and talking about inappropriate marriages… and this is all so stupid. And assualt-y.

“I don’t believe in casual sex. I haven’t slept with Richard, either.”

“I am not blackmailing you into sex, ma petite. I am trying to get equal time.”

By forcing a woman to date you. By blackmailing her. Which is illegal. And I don’t believe for a moment you wouldn’t try the same tactic to force her to sleep with you. Dear lord, JC is a disgusting slimeball.

I stared at him. He looked at me. He would pick me up on Friday. We had a date. I wondered how Richard would feel about that.

How the fuck do you think he’s going to feel that his fiancée is being blackmailed into dating another man? You know what, fuck it. You and JC are made for each other. You’re both dumber than a plank of wood.

Time to work something else out. I didn’t know what else, but there had to be something. Something besides dating the freaking Master of the City.

Puddykins would not date you. Puddykins has taste.

And I don’t know Anita, what do you think you can do when you’re being blackmailed into an inappropriate situation with a man? Uh… tell the police, who will allow you to execute him. There’s a thought.

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2 thoughts on “A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘The Lunatic Cafe’ chapter twenty five

  1. This is why it’s never going to be okay to me that they do end up as a couple. And when Anita speaks of him ‘wooing’ her in the past, she talks about it as them playing ‘a game’ of her ‘resisting his charms’. The blackmail bit is never brought up. Most likely because this was written back when the original plan was for the series to end with her killing JC and murdering Richard….but then she got a divorce with her husband, which fandom (or antifandom/hatedom, more like) generally considers to be the guy Richard is an avatar for, much like Anita is very blatantly LKH’s ideal self. Ah, retcon!

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