….and I’m back. Had a great birthday (I’ll put some pictures below so all those who only wish to read the review don’t have to stare at my ugly face).
The sun was sinking in a slash of crimson like a fresh, bleeding wound.
I’m missed you Anita. She’s gone down to the latest crime scene and uh oh, Bert her boss is beeping her, telling her to come into work! Whoops! Maybe he’ll really fire her this time for not coming into work or generally giving a shit.
The woman was curled on her side, shielding her naked breasts, as if even in death she was modest. Violent death is the ultimate invasion. She would be photographed, videotaped, measured, cut open, sewn back up. No part of her, inside or out, would be left untouched. It was wrong. We should have been able to toss a blanket over her and leave her in peace, but that wouldn’t help us prevent the next killing. And there would be a next once; the second body was proof of that.
Yeah, it’s so terrible when the police do their jobs by examining evidence. Not that Anita has much faith in them to catch the killer anyway, seeing as she fully expects someone else to die. It’s bad enough that she’s the ONLY woman at the crime scene; she’s normally the ONLY woman, but this evening it’s really bothering her. And when Anita’s bothered by something, that can only mean one thing – a distinct lack of action because nothing ever happens in these books.
Today’s corpse is a blonde woman. The last corpse was a blond guy, so perhaps the killer has a type.
The woman’s arms are crossed over her chest, and Anita laments how she won’t be able to move them for forty eight hours until final rigor dissipates. This makes me question when the woman died. Rigor mortis dissipates forty eight to sixty hours after death, so I’m guessing this woman has only just died. Anita decides to check for a groin wound – like on Dead Cal, apart from the only thing mentioned about Dead Cal’s groin was that it was covered in semen so I don’t know where the idea about groin wounds came from unless Anita likes to inflict them – and says that she doesn’t like looking ‘like I was groping the corpse’.
You work professionally in the business of investigating crime, Anita. No one’s going to think you saw a dead body and decided to have a quick fumble. What’s the matter with you?
The woman’s lips move. Anita gets a little bit freaked out but dismisses it. The woman could not possibly be a vampire because she died of vampire bites and has to rise after three nights of being dead. Let me remind you that in the last book, all vampire victims are staked by order of the law in case they become vampires in the morgue, and that this woman has been dead for at least two days if rigor mortis is starting to pass – possibly more. So it’s entirely feasible that this woman might be a vampire.
Dolph leafed through his notebook. “You said a person who dies of multiple vampire bites can’t rise from the dead as a vampire.” He was reading my own words back at me. I was hoist on my petard.
“Sometimes even one bite can make a corpse rise as a vampire. I’ve only read a couple of articles about it. A very powerful master vamp can sometimes contaminate every corpse it touches.”
So which one is it, Anita? Is it one bite or multiple bites to make a vampire? Because I can’t help notice that A, you keep contradicting yourself on the nature of vampirism and B, you’re meant to be an expert in this. This is your job. Yet you seem to know fuck all about what you do for a living.
“Where’d you read the articles?”
“The Vampire Quarterly.”
“Never heard of it,” he said.
I shrugged. “I have a degree in preternatural biology; I must be on someone’s list for stuff like that.”
The special branch of the police dedicated to investigating supernatural crimes have no knowledge about the things they are supposed to investigate and they do not even expand their own knowledge base by reading journals and articles in the field they are meant to be an expert in?
What’s the point in having a police force? They’re clearly morons that no one trusts. Why not just have gangs of old ladies roaming the streets of St. Louis, beating up anyone they felt was being troublesome? It’d be better than the system that they have now, where the city is run by a bunch of incompetent arseholes.
Anita suddenly starts to panic that it’s the third day since Dead Cal died – he might rise as a vampire! Mmmmmmm, smells like RETCON. In the last book, when Anita went to the morgue, it was noted that all vampire victims were staked immediately when brought to the morgue. I commented on how cruel that was. Now, apparently that never happened at all, so there can be a stupid mid-book conflict.
Continuity. It’s fucking important.
Dolph and Anita go running off into a plot-point pulled straight out of Hamilton’s ass, and Bert, boss of Animators. Inc phones up to ask where the hell Anita is. She says she’s at a crime scene and that’s the end of the job worries. Oh, but Bert sent a guy at the hospital to perform an emergency staking on one Cal Rupert as per his will. Anita starts to panic about whether they have a court order of execution, but she really shouldn’t be as it’s the law to stake a vampire victim as soon as they are found, you said it in the last book, you said it in the last book, you said it in the last book!!
John Burke was sent to kill him but oh no there are no answers at the morgue which means everyone could be dead and john’s walking in there to die and dolph is all 😦 but it’s murder to kill a vampire! EXCEPT IT’S NOT, IT’S NOT, IT’S NOT, YOU SAID IT WAS LAW TO KILL VAMPIRE VICTIMS AS SOON AS THEY WERE FOUND DEAD! ANITA SPOKE OF HOW OFTEN SHE WENT TO THE MORGUE TO STAKE SUSPECTED VAMPIRE VICTIMS IN THE LAST BOOK! YOU HAVE EDITORS, HAMILTON, DID THEY NOT PICK UP ON THIS? AND THEY GET PAID! I DO THIS FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND I’M MORE PROFESSIONAL THAN THE EDITORS OF THIS TRASH! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT THE EVER LIVING HELL.
Sorry. Had to Hiddlespam because the next few chapters are going to be spent on a plot point that should not exist. Now, that’s what I call lazy writing.
Oh, and the police who are tasked to taking down supernatural threats don’t have silver bullets in their guns because it costs too much. You know, silver bullets, the only things that take down supernatural creatures.
I swear, all the police are contestants for Upper Class Twit of the Year competition.
And now for something completely different.
Two birthday presents here.
My very awesome cake.
WHY NOT ZOIDBERG!
I got to eat Captain America’s face (Ignore the chins)
So yeah. I’m twenty one now. Woo.