A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Dead Reckoning’ chapter eleven


Typical me; I manage to get a job, but I’m immediately freaking out and wishing I hadn’t. The joys of social anxiety! I also bought an Captain America t-shirt on sale when I should be saving for the holidays and I love love love it. I think I might love Cap. For serious.

Look at this thing! Look at how glorious it is! It may be ridiculously huge BUT I DON’T CARE.

Right. New chapter.

Sookie is in the doldrums because now Jannalynn is now her confirmed enemy. Damn this woman who sends hunky nude men to my house. Damn her! She decides to not tell Sam because it’s not really anything to do to him, and if there’s anything friends don’t like, it’s friends criticising their romantic partners. It ain’t cool bro, so she elects not to. Sensible gal. Nothing good ever comes from meddling in the romantic business of friends. Besides, Sam has other things to worry about. The bar is in a real slump and he’s panicking about whether it can survive.

Sookie goes about her life and her duties, and during this I learn there is a shop in the world called ‘Piggly Wiggly’. I’m not quite sure how to react to this. As she drives back home, she notices that the back porch door is hanging open. She immediately realises that this is probably a trap, and starts to reverse the fuck out of there. A tree crashes across the drive, preventing her exiting.

She jumps out the car. A figure looms out at her, but using her freshly bought groceries she brains him and runs for it.

I didn’t know if the ambushers intended to kill me, but they weren’t going to invite me to play Monopoly.

It be weres because they’d be able to track her. It can’t be vampires because it’s not dark. It’s not fairies because they’re more subtle. It’s humans then. She left her phone in the car, so runs through the rain to Bill’s house. She knows where the spare key is after all. She thinks that her ambushers will be able to tell where she’s hiding if she leaves wet footprints on Bill’s porch.

Crouching down by the railing around the porch, I pulled off my clothes and shoes, and dropped them behind the thick azalea bushes surrounding the house. I squeezed out my ponytail. I shook myself briskly like a dog, to rid myself of as much water as I could. Then I stepped into the quiet dimness of the old Compton house. Though I didn’t have time to mull it over, it felt decidedly weird to be standing in the foyer naked.

this makes no sense. The house has locks and a phone. It doesn’t matter if they know where you are if you have a police support. She then has an amazing brain wave. She crawls into Bill’s sleeping hole, where he is sleeping naked, and curls up next to him.

what

why

what is

what i

what the hell is this? This is pointless ship tease, pure and simple.This is bad, bad writing.

Bill wakes up for a few seconds. He points out Sookie is naked and goes to sleep again.

The ambushers break into the house but have no idea where she’s gone. They reveal in a misguided conversation that they have attacked Dermot. She reads their minds and find that they’ve been paid to abduct her. They stand above the hatch where she’s hiding. Bill wakes up again, realises the situation, gets a stiffie, and then falls asleep again. The abductors talk some more, wondering out loud whether the vampire is about in his home, and Bill awakes and gets an erection again. Then falls back to sleep.

This is ridiculous.

When they finally leave, Bill wakes up and asks if she’s an ‘early Christmas present’. Oh, whatever. He checks out to see whether the abductors have left. They have, and he asks if the men undressed her or ‘harmed her’. Bill, that sounds suspiciously like you’re asking your rape victim whether she’s been raped.

Kill me, kill me now.

Bill then asks if this was all a ploy to seduce him. I swear to god this happens.

“Oh. You mean, you might almost imagine that I made up this story so I could appear naked and in need of help, the damsel in distress, needing big strong equally naked Vampire Bill to rescue me from the evil kidnappers?”

I swear to god I’m never reading another romance novel again. This is fucking terrible.

Sookie laughs in his face, so he decides to act the gentleman and drive her home. Investigating her house in case the evil men are back, Bill finds Dermot unconscious in the attic. She sends Bill out before he goes crazy and drains the fairy, and is panicking about what to do, Dermot wakes up and asks her why she’s wearing a tablecloth.

That’s the best part of the whole damn chapter. This is lazy writing. The worst. Yet another group of men hired to kidnap Sookie? Big fucking deal. Boring.

 

Advertisements

One thought on “A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Dead Reckoning’ chapter eleven

  1. I’ll be honest, that story sounds an awful lot like the flimsy plots in porn (when there is one). I’m glad she didn’t take that as a way to follow through how they normally do >_>

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s