A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘All Together Dead’ chapter five


BIG NEWS GUISE – I’ve entered Script Frenzy this year! Well, it’s big news for me… anywho, it probably won’t impact on the blog, even if I have six exams to revise for, twenty other scripts to write and video editing to do… wow, this holiday is going to be horrendously busy.

Onwards and upwards, Dottie fans.

Sookie is exhausted from the wedding, which isn’t a great thing as she’s at work and Selah Pumphrey is there, being a bitch as always. Although it’s justified here, as Sookie is doing a sloppy job.

“Listen,” Selah said. “Let me frank. […] I know you’re going on a trip with Bill. You’re trying to steal him back from me. How long have you been scheming about this?”

Bring up the rape Sookie. I’m not trying to lessen it, or insult the tragedy of it, but honestly, why don’t you inform Selah of the horrific abuse and lies you suffered at the hands of Bill? She’d certainly stop thinking you were trying to steal him.

A flash of rage passed through me, lifting my palm and raising it to slap the shit out of her.

what

you thought THAT was an appropriate response?? Not ‘no’ or ‘he raped me’ or how about a simple thought about your job security? You’d be fired within an instant. Well, if your boss wasn’t in love with you that is. Lucky bitch.

“Miss Pumphrey, you’ll have to get your lunch somewhere else,” Sam said quietly.

Yes, he is defending the actions of a woman who tried to slap the shit out of one of his patrons. This is officially where Sookie (and Sam too I suppose) has lost all likeability as a character. I cannot believe that we are supposed to be sympathetic to a woman who thought that she ought to slap a woman for daring to ask her a question. What the hell Charlaine Harris? I don’t want the main character of your book series to be in your book series anymore. Do you see why that is a problem?

More wonders abound. Selah, quite rightly, says that she has a right to eat here (and not be threatened by the staff). This makes everyone sympathetic to Sookie because…. reasons, apparently.

“I have the right to tell you to go,” he said. “I can’t have you insulting my staff.”

Selah didn’t insult anyone. She hasn’t done anything wrong. Why is no one telling off Sookie? Selah storms out and everyone treats Sookie as if she’s some sort of fucking china doll, poor poor baby, and I just want to hurt her.

Tara and JB come in and oh, he’s got a job, and she’s slept with him, AND I DON’T CARE, WHEN IS SOOKIE GOING TO BE FIRED FOR HER RIDICULOUS, CHILDISH NATURE?

Oh right, never, because Sookie is always right about everything. She goes home, and Amelia is miserable because she had bad sex on dirty sheets and Bob the mormon cat threw up on Amelia’s bed to make her feel guilty. I like Bob. He has sense. Amelia promises not to see anyone anymore. Well, she promises to not sleep with any guys. So I guess she’s bisexual then. Sookie reacts like anyone uncomfortable with such a thing by immediately asking her not to try and sleep with her.

“Oh, I probably wouldn’t try to hook up with you anyway. I didn’t pick Bob at random. I like ’em skinny and dark.”

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

I KNOW WHO SHOULD BE BOB

or at least who should be Bob to make me happy.

Totally should be Tom Hiddleston.

He can rock a fine southern accent.

This would be the greatest thing ever.

MAKE IT SO.

(fighting urge to picspam right now)

Then Claudine shows up to just make my day. Amelia and Claudine don’t get on for magic reasons. And seeing as I’m anti-Claudine in general and pro-Amelia, this can work out. They have a fight, and then Claudine decides to pass on a urgent message. She has sensed that there may be trouble ahead, but as long as there’s moonlight and music, and Sookie doesn’t go the vampire conference everything will be fine. That doesn’t sound like much of a warning.

“Going in the train of a vampire,” Claudine said dismally. “It’ll mark you as one of their world for good. You’ll never be an innocent bystander again. Too many creatures will know who you are and where you can be found.”

So I guess those other six books where just build up then?

Was I just curious about what agenda might be at a vampire summit? Did I want the attention of more undead members of society? Did I want to be known as a fangbanger, one of those humans who simply adored the walking dead? Did some corner of me long for a chance to be near Bill without seeking him out, still trying to make some emotional sense of his betrayal? Or was this about Eric? Unbeknownst to myself, was I in love with the flamboyant Viking who was so handsome, so good at making love, and so political, all at the same time?

Sorry Sookie, I don’t care about you very much at this point. What about Quinn, the guy you’re dating at the moment? That guy you only just slept with? Talking of flamboyant Vikings….

Visit my video channel today! It’s pretty good and it’ll make me happy.

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