A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Definitely Dead’ chapter 1


Time to crack open this bad boy and start Definitely Dead.

I was draped over the arm of one of the most beautiful men I’d ever seen, and he was staring into my eyes. “Think…Brad Pitt,” I whispered. The dark brown eyes still regarded me with remote interest.

Okay, I was on the wrong track.

I pictured Claude’s last lover, a bouncer at a strip joint.

“Think about Charles Bronson.” I was rewarded by the beginnings of a hot glow in those long-lashed eyes.

Ew. Claude you have terrible taste in men.

This is the photo shoot that Claude asked Sookie along to. He’s entering a contest for romance novel covers, and thought that a bosomy blonde would be a perfect contrast to his dark looks.

Strangely enough, the assistant for the photography is Maria-Star Cooper, the were whose life was saved by Sookie in Dead to the World. Huh. Small world.

My personal life had been, shall we say,barrenfor the past few weeks, so I was all too ready to smolder. In fact, I was ready to burst into flames.

It’s been, what, a few months and you’re already gagging for sex? I don’t know, it feels a bit wrong to pick at this, as if I’m criticising a woman’s right to want sex, but…. I have no idea where I’m going with this. It just seems a bit discordant.

There’s a few chunky paragraphs explaining the story so far. If you really need reminding, well, check the bar on the right.

Sookie takes a break from posing to have cosy girl’s talk with Maria-Star. Alcide’s not been taking things too well since the death of his dad, and who can blame him? He witnessed the murder, that’s going to fuck him up. Sookie reassures Maria-Star that her and Alcide were never really a couple, as Maria-Star and him are now an item.

But gosh darn it, I liked him, and it always smarts when you find out you’ve been replaced with ease.

You slept with Eric after being interested in Alcide.  RING RING the kettle’s on the phone. It says you’re a pot.

She gets to look through a photo album full of supes, and the photographer gets a booking for a double wedding up in Bon Temps.

I’m at the edge of my seat here.

They do some more posing, and Sookie looks really bored apparently. She tries thinking about ALL THE MEN IN HER LIFE to try and look interested.

I thought of Bill the vampire, my first love in every way. But instead of lust, I felt anger. Bill was dating another woman, had been for a few weeks. [And he raped you a few months ago. Let’s not ever forget that.]

What about Eric – nope, that way lay danger.

My boss, Sam Merlotte, the owner of Merlotte’s Bar. No, don’t go there, thinking about your boss naked is bad. [Um. You have said you’ve used him for ‘special private lady time’. So yeah.]

Okay, Alcide Herveaux? Nope, that was a no-go, especially since I was in the company of his current girlfriend…

I remembered how Quinn’s bald head had moved while he cleaned my scrape in a very personal way, the firm grip his big warm fingers had had on my leg…

Finally she has a happy enough smirk on her face, and then Claude has some solo shots to satisfy his ego. Maria-Star clucks about Debbie Pelt’s parents, and apparently they’re still trying to track down what happened to her. I’m guessing this is going to be one of the plots for this book.

Sookie is at work the next day, and two priests come into the bar, a Catholic and an Episcopalian. Bill comes in and kisses her on the cheek.

Seriously, I am getting fed up of this guys continued existence. Fuck this guy.

I’m considering switching my ‘I’m annoyed with Bill actor’.

“When will you go to New Orleans to claim your inheritance?”

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT IS THIS

My cousin had been murdered almost six weeks ago in New Orleans, and Bill had been with me when the Queen of Louisiana’s emissary had come to tell me about it…and to deliver the murderer to me for my judgement.

When did this happen? I thought I’d actually missed a book when I read through this chapter, but no, apparently something happened outside the book that whilst is important, not important enough to happen in the fucking book. What is this bullshit? You can’t miss out important plot details like that. I’m lost and frustrated. Not a good sign.

And then Bill’s like, I’ll come down with the lawyer, and I don’t give a fuck, and then the priests start asking her to talk to the Pelts, and I don’t give a fuck, and then the chapter ends, and I’m pissed and confused.

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4 thoughts on “A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Definitely Dead’ chapter 1

  1. There are a few novellas about what happens between books, including Sookie’s confrontation with Hadley’s killer.

  2. Hadley’s death is one of those things which really threw me reading this series since Sookie’s adventures usually have pretty damn ridiculous or mundane beginnings so THE DEATH OF HER COUSIN seems like it should be a bigger deal.

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