A review of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Dead to the World’ chapter five


Carla Rodriguez, the ‘most promising lead’ that doesn’t really seem to have anything to do with Jason’s disappearance, turns out not to have anything to do with his disappearance. Funny that.

Sookie drives over to Fangtasia to see whether they know anything, and to remind us that the Shreveport are, you know, the good vampires we get this:

Two summers before, a small group of vamps from Oklahoma had tried to set up a rival bar in adjacent Bossier City.  After one particularly hot, short August night, they’d never been seen again, and the building they’d been renovating had burned to the ground.

What nice people.

The door was unlocked.

This was really, really bad.

oh god what’s happening now

The silence was crawling with possibilities, and none of them was pleasant.

I decided to get back in my old car and get the hell out of there, which would have been amazingly smart.

And I would have gone, if I hadn’t heard the moaning.

what kind of moaning?  good moaning or bad moaning? ohhhh i don’t like what might happen, knowing harris’s penchant for really gory violence

Belinda, the only half-intelligent fang-banger I’d ever met, was lying on the storeroom floor in a curiously contorted position.  Her legs were bent double, her heels pressed against her hips.

oh my god that is some of the most painful shit i’ve ever heard arghh arghh

The witches who work for Hallow wanted to know where Eric is being kept so made the muscle in the back of her legs pull up, as if it were half the size.  Never heard that you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?  Sookie calls the emergency services and finds Ginger, another fang-banging waitress, is dead – when her muscles were magicked, she was stood in front of a bathroom sink and cracked her skull open.

Sookie pops over to see Alcide.  The weres of Shreveport need to know about the were-witches right?  And if she were to make out with him, it’d just be a natural occurence of their mutual chemistry, right?

I was wearing a bright blue-and-yellow knit top with long sleeves under my old thigh-length blue cloth coat, and aged blue jeans, and Reeboks.

… well, that’s very nice (well, not really), but what has this got to do with anything?

OH

OH

OH

OH

ALCIDE IS BACK WITH DEBBIE

WHICH IS LIKE TOTALLY A BIG DEAL FOR SOOKIE BECAUSE SHE’S CONVINCED DEBBIE PUSHED HER IN THAT CAR BOOT WAY BACK IN CLUB DEAD

EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE NO INCLINATIONS OF THIS IN HER NARRATIVE

AHHHHHHH!

Sookie, I have missed your judgemental nature.

I was not going to get in the middle of that – not without the grief caused by Bill’s infidelity still weighing heavily on my own heart.

I think you all know my reaction to this.

They go to see the Shreveport packmaster because this is the first time ‘that a witch has ever tried to take control of a city, tried to take away the assets of the city’s supernatural community’.  Really?  Really? If you have the ability to do such a thing, then why haven’t they tried to do it before?  Hell, that’s the first thing I’d try to do if I got to be a all-powerful werewolf witch that drinks vampire blood.  Wouldn’t you?  Can you think of anything better to do if you were an all-powerful werewolf witch that drinks vampire blood (answers in comments please)?

oh, yeah, and Debbie told Alcide Sookie was back with Bill or some shit like that.  Blahblahblah I don’t care.

The packmaster is Colonel Flood, who had been stationed at a local Air Force Base until he retired.  Sookie tells him everything she told Alcide, which I’m guessing is just about the whole plot so far.  Without funny gifs.  Unfortunately, something happened last night.  A woman named Adabelle didn’t turn up to the planning committee and she’s got an issue with Flood’s leadership.  Flood asks them to check on her and Alcide asks that Sookie be made a friend of the pack.

Alcide, on the way over to Adabelle’s house, speculates whether Bill really went to Peru in the orders of the queen.  Eric has the power to order Bill about and he might have staged the whole thing. Sookie retorts with ‘Alcide, I’m not educated, but I’m not dumb’ as she’s already thought of this and Alcide was surprised at this.  Because suddenly he doesn’t think Sookie is at all clever for no apparent reason.

I wondered if I could get some witch to cast a truth spell on Debbie Pelt, whom I despised because she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favourite wrap and – oh – tried to kill me by proxy.  Also, she had stupid hair.

oooo ouch, burn, take that Debbie.

Sookie then talks about pregnancy because… yeah, that’s it. Because.

Adabelle’s mother, Verena Rose, runs an upmarket bridal shop in Shreveport, and Verena hasn’t heard from her daughter since she phoned from the shop last night.  To the bridal shop!

For a moment, I imagined some kind of bug infestation had gotten into the store window and landed on the snowy dress.  But after that moment, I knew the dark flecks were surely splatters of blood.

i think that’s a segway into some classic Harris aftermath violence and i’m rather creeped out by what might happen next

My eyes came to rest on something in the flowerbed under the bay window, something pale that stood out against the pine bark mulch.

IT’S A HAND

IT’S A FUCKING HAND IN A BUNCH OF FLOWERS

EWWWW EWWWWW EEWWWW FUCKING EWWWWWW

AND THERE IS A PILE OF RIPPED UP BODIES IN THE SHOP

AND HARRIS’S PROSE IS REALLY DIRECT AND STRAIGHT FORWARD AND THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE

IT’S SO HORRIBLE

AND THEN THERE’S A COMEDY INTERLUDE

why

Sookie and Alcide tell the police that they are a married couple looking for a wedding dress, and they’re not planning for a long engagement.

‘She’ll get her diamond the day we marry.’

‘You’re so bad,’ I said fondly, punching him in the ribs as hard as I could without being obvious.

what

There’s just been a disgusting murder and you’re making jokes after it? Why? Why?

Plugplugplugpluggityplugplug: http://www.youtube.com/user/ThatCrazyDotty

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