A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty four PART TWO


Right, back to the banqueting bullshit.

JC’s puzzler is sore from puzzling. He just can’t understand why Anita might be scared of a force of ultimate evil.

JC, go read the Vampire Chronicles that Mother of All Darkness was stolen from inspired by. You’ll see how much of a threat she can be.

Jean-Claude turned me in his arms as he moved to face the voice, making it a dance-like movement, ending with my left hand in his right. Our outfits were designed to move and flow like some Goth version of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

Wearing black does not make you goffity goff goff. JC, Anita, and Asher hold ‘hands like children’ (stop it stop it stop it) and then… walk to another room, I think. It’s so very vague.

Valentina’s outfit was a miniature seventeenth-century dress with the skirt flared out to either side so that she was shaped like an oval. The skirt was very full and gave glimpses as she walked of tiny gold slippers and numerous petticoats. She even had a white wig that hid her brunette curls from view. The wig looked too heavy for that slender white throat, but she walked as if the jewels and feathers and powdered hair weighed nothing.

Are feathers noted for being made of lead?

She had absolutely perfect posture, but I knew that was from the corset that was under the dress. Those dresses don’t fit right without the proper undergarments.

There had been no need for powder to make her skin white, rouge and red lipstick had been enough. Oh, and a black beauty mark in the shape of a tiny heart near that rosebud mouth. She should have looked ridiculous, but she didn’t. She was like a sinister doll. When she flipped open her gold and lace fan with a sharp snap, I jumped.

And you’re saying that this is a dress most definitely from the seventeenth century.

laugh

LKH is describing Valentina as looking like this –

Yeah, that’s the eighteenth century. You are a full one hundred years out, dweebus. The seventeenth century is the 1600s, when women were looking like this….

Although, of course, this is a massive sweeping aside of many changes and nuances of fashion within the seventeenth century – which I have covered before – but this is just a silly mistake that any editor with a braincell should have caught.

Valentina and Anita then start swapping stuff about the Mother of All Darkness. It is truly thrilling. It is so thrilling that I am cooking chilli chicken wings so that I can escape from all these thrills. Apparently, BM has touched the Mother as well. Valentina says that the surprise guests are sure to be surprising, and then starts talking about the ‘darkness’ and how her nurses saved her from the darkness and then died.

This all has the same emotional weight and impact as a grapefruit.

Asher starts fretting about Muesette, so Anita complains about him trying to get everything back on track.

I closed my eyes and counted slowly to ten. When I opened them, they were both giving me their best blank faces. It was like looking at two superb paintings, suddenly made three-dimensional, very lifelike, but not alive.

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Damian then comes into the room. When was the last time he was mentioned? Who gives a shit about him?

He had not volunteered to be one of Jean-Claude’s pretty men. Damian was a touch homophobic. Boy, had he fallen in with the wrong bunch of vampires.

…. what.

  • Damian is your servant, so no, he wouldn’t volunteer. Because his mind is enslaved to you, Anita.
  • We have never seen Damian be homophobic.
  • In fact, the character we have actively seen be incredibly homophobic is YOU, Anita. You, who finds the idea of two men or two women being together disgusting.
  • So, Damian doesn’t enjoy sex with men. That does not make you homophobic. That just means – gasp – that he isn’t interested in having sex with men.
  • I’m not particularly interested in having sex with other women. Does that make me homophobic? Hmm?
  • I dunno, you all seem pretty homophobic and hateful. Actually, yeah, that does mean he’s with the wrong vampires.

Damian has arrived to announce that Richard and the wolves are here. They are late because someone had to fix Richard’s hair. The story has now been amended to say that he hacked it off himself and everyone starts whining and weeping and wailing about Richard not having long hair any more.

It wasn’t any of my business what length his hair was. My concern was that sane happy people don’t hack their hair off at home with scissors. Cutting your hair like that is usually a substitute for hurting yourself in other more permanent ways. Any counselor will tell you that.

I dunno, maybe he’s acting out of trauma from when you decided to rape him. Either way, Damian is on his knees, wailing about Richard’s hair, and everyone else is up in arms about this ‘mutilation’.

It’s hair. It’s just hair.

Anita immediately forgets this great pain and worries about how Musette doesn’t think she really wants to fuck Asher. Nathaniel then walks in dressed like a mummy.

Nathaniel’s outfit was mostly cream colored strips of leather that covered almost nothing. A white thong covered his front, but left his buttocks bare.

Well, yeah, that’s what a thong does. You don’t have to explain it to me.

He had cream colored boots that were over the knee but open in back, so you got glimpses of his legs to mid-calf when he walked away from you. There was a three-inch heel on the boots, and Nathaniel knew how to make the heel work for him.

That’s just fucking tacky. Ew. That’s not sexy. Merle is also with him and he’s angry. Paolo has been groping people, and this is bad because only Anita’s friends are allowed to sexually assault people at this party.

Are the murders and corpse raising ever going to be addressed?

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty four PART ONE


The banquet was in one of the inner rooms of the Circus. One I’d never seen before. I knew that the place was huge, and I’d seen only a fraction of it, but I hadn’t realized I’d missed a room this size.

OK, so the Circus was originally just this cave system that the vampires just happened to find (even though the vampires would have been in the US for a while, so I have no idea why vampires couldn’t have made it), but it has this convenient giant room for no reason? I guess that people could have used the local limestone base (hell yes I researched this) like they do in Nottingham – the city is built on sandstone, and for thousands of years, people have used it to create houses and businesses. Like, there are whole Victorian streets and medieval market places underneath the city, it’s pretty cool. But… I dunno, it just seems convenient that there is just the right room for a big fancy meal.

…. actually, nope, this is all natural. The room is all natural. Even though the caves of the Circus, with all those stairs, corridors, and random sex rooms have always been described as being man-made. There’s no water, and there’s no river, so I am confused as to how a river managed to make a giant empty room and then completely vanish with no trace.

I expected torches for the night -

Oh, yeah, smoke and carbon dioxide in a confined area with no ventilation, wouldn’t that be a great idea?

Hang on, doesn’t Anita have TOTLY SRS claustrophobia? As in, has difficulties going into cellars? How come she’s fine with these caves?

- but was surprised to find that there was gas. Gas lamps placed around the room, chasing back the dark. I asked Jean-Claude when he’d installed the gas, and he said that some bootleggers had done it during prohibition, that the cavern had been a speakeasy.

Gas lighting. In the 1920s.

Yeah, they had electricity in the 1920s, LKH. Gas lighting started to drop in popularity after about 1900 because electric lighting doesn’t tend to explode and set things on fire. Oh, and gas lighting releases carbon monoxide, so installing it in a CAVE is a really great way to kill off your customer base.

I’d never been in a room that was lit entirely by gas lamps. It had that soft edge of firelight -

IT IS FIRE. The light comes from a FLAME.

- but it was steadier and burned cleaner.

Fire burns cleaner than fire. Uh huh.

I’d half expected there to be an odor of gas, but there wasn’t. Jean-Claude informed me that if I smelled gas it would mean there was a leak, and we should probably run like hell. Okay, what he actually said was we should leave as quickly as possible, but I knew what he meant.

Get your fucking hands off me, I understand what you mean without you grabbing me. JC, why have you still got gas lighting? If your gas lighting is powered by the gas company, it should smell as it’s burnt. If it’s from the main pipeline, they add scents to it so people can tell if there’s a leak. So there should be a slight smell as it’s burning. And this doesn’t cover the carbon monoxide that is being used in those lamps, which is odourless and incredibly deadly. Why doesn’t JC just get electric lighting installed? There’s no reason to keep the gas lighting!

Anita stares at the table. It is odd. It’s got a lot of gold in the decoration, but Anita doesn’t understand why there’s lots of cutlery. She is especially confused by a two-tined fork. Well, those could be deli forks (for picking up sliced meats), snail forks (for snails, olives, canapes, and other small appetisers), or a roast fork (for use in carving and cooking of roast meats). Anita assumes that these are used for stabbing people in the neck to feed on them, despite the fact that, you know, vampires have fangs.

Secondly, there were a number of complete place settings on the floor. Each setting had a while linen napkin spread under it, like miniature picnics. The place settings on the floor were spaced between the chair settings, so there was room to pull the chairs in and out. It was… odd.

It’s almost like werewolves exist, or vampires like to feed on people. How strange! Anita just can’t understand this, and hates the idea of small talk at the party because like, people are going to say things but mean other things. That’s just too hard :(.

Anita is in the banquetting room (although a banquet is NOT a big meal, grumblegrumble) but… the guests are somewhere else, as Asher comes in to say that she is needed. Musette is grumbling, and JC and Asher want to know what the hell is going on. As do I.

“Oh, I don’t know, an international terrorist following me around, the vampire council back in town, an evening of some of the most politely vicious small talk I’ve ever heard, Asher being his usual temperamental self, one of my friends and favourite policemen having a nervous breakdown, a serial killer werewolf on the loose in my town, oh, and the fact that Richard and his wolves haven’t arrived yet, and no one’s answering their phones. Pick one.”

  • International terrorism is all focused on Anita. Just because.
  • Musette isn’t on the vampire council. She’s just here because of BM’s personal agenda.
  • Oh god a dinner party I don’t know how you’ll cope.
  • You are SAYING THIS TO ASHER. Can’t you say that any nicer?
  • The breakdown that you don’t care about and have helped cause.
  • Since when as it been decided that the serial killer is a werewolf? I thought Dolph just decided that Jason was the murderer to prove that he’s a big old nasty bigot.
  • Richard is meant to be arriving? Since when?
  • And since when has no one been answering their phones? YOU HAVEN’T CALLED ANYONE.
  • I pick none of them. I don’t care about your problems. They have no emotional weight.

Apparently Richard not being here makes Anita look ‘weak’. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Asher dislikes Anita being rude and Anita is worried that Musette doesn’t think she’s really interested in Asher.

“No, no, damn it, it’s that we haven’t had intercourse.”

Asher looked at me, then raised his gaze to Jean-Claude. “In this, she is very American. If you have not had intercourse, you have not had sex with ma petite. It is a very American mind-set.”

“I covered her back in my seed, does that not count?”

Yes, yes it does. Asher and Anita have had sex. True, they have not had penetrative sex, but they have had a threesome. And repeating ‘very American’ is poor writing. I already know that it’s apparently an ‘American’ mind set. You literally just said it. Anita asks about the plates on the floor, so JC decides to mind rape her.

JC. PLEASE DON’T MIND RAPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. IT’S NOT ROMANTIC. IT’S HORRIBLE.

Anita calls him out, and then starts holding herself. She thinks about her cross. She’s wearing it, but it’s stuck down to her chest with electrical tape.

Uh, sure. There wasn’t any safer way to hide her cross than with electrical tape. Say goodbye to your skin, Anita!

Jean-Claude touched my hand gently. I jumped, but didn’t move away. He took that as an invitation. He’d always taken anything that wasn’t an outright rebuke as an invitation.

oh god he’s such a rapist. he’s such a rapist. there’s so much more to consent than just ‘no’. if anita is not interested, uncomfortable, or just won’t say no because it’s easier than facing JC’s anger, then JC will just rape her. Often. Often enough for Anita to know that he does this and to be so resigned she doesn’t even complain about it.

This isn’t romantic. This is abuse. I’m going to high-five JC in the face with a shovel.

JC shoves his hands all over the obviously uncomfortable Anita and asks again what’s wrong. She repeats her question – what’s with the plates. She is shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that the vampires are going to be feeding on people at the vampire dinner party.

Anita, what did you think the vampires were going to be eating? It takes her a fucking page to realise that, yes, people are going to be fed on, and yes, they are probably going to be killed. And she doesn’t fucking care unless she knows them. She is slightly concerned that people may die, and then continues worrying about her own issues. You see, it’s just too goshdarn dark in this cave now she’s met the Mother of All Darkness.

I guess it’s scary to be confronted by powerful African women!

And, on that note, I will be cutting this chapter in two. I’m too bored and frustrated to deal with the remaining pages, not when I have rapists to attack with shovels.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty three


Heya gang! I have been in the Algarve in Portugal for the last week and I have had a wonderful relaxing break that I really needed. It was so nice to have a week where I didn’t have to worry about an actual single thing for six days. I wish I was back there – back there in the warm!

And onto today’s chapter. We’re so close to finishing this book – I know this has taken far, far too long to get done, especially considering how much more of the series we have to get done!

I had, of course, complained about my clothes.

headbutt

THEN PICK OUT YOUR OWN FUCKING CLOTHES.

The black velvet and blue silk seemed to be offering my breasts up like pale ripe fruits. The colours emphasized the near translucence of my skin with the undertone of blue highlights. But I knew what the blue highlights really were – blood. Blue blood inside my veins that would burst red when oxygen hit it.

laugh

LKH, your blood does not turn blue. It has never turned blue. It will never turn blue. That is a myth used in PRIMARY SCHOOLS to help demonstrate how the circulatory system works. Human blood is always red. AND THIS WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WITH A DEGREE IN BIOLOGICAL SCIENCE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE EDITOR SMOKING WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING AT THIS MANUSCRIPT?

This is ridiculous.

Anyway, Anita is sat there like a mannequin while men fuss and primp her and she is not allowed to make choices about her hair, her make up, and her clothes. Strong independent woman…. Micah then comes in and Anita forgets everything to cream all over herself.

Sorry, that was a little crude. But she literally zones out to stare at Micah. Again.

The colour was turquoise blue, with enough green to make his eyes blaze green. The shirt had holes at the top of his shoulder, in the middle of his upper arm, and two in the middle of his forearm. Black cord was threaded through the cloth and tied around his elbow, above and below to keep the cloth from sliding around. The cuffs were wide and stiff, with shiny black buttons, with cutouts on the underside so the skin of his wrists was bare, just at the holes at his elbows left those spots bare. His skin looked very tanned, very smooth, very warm against the turquoise.

The pants matched the shirt – and not just in color. There were holes on the sides that flashed the perfect smoothness of his hip, down to glimpses of thigh. The holes probably went farther down, but black boots cut off the view just above his knee.

The pants were so tight that he really didn’t need a belt, but there was a black cord threaded through the unnecessary belt loops that swung as Micah walked. He was actually almost to me when I realised there were holes on the inside of the pants legs, too.

That is FUGLY. Micah is ‘food’ for JC and Asher, so his clothes need to be full of clothes for easy access. Holes are easier than, I don’t know, wearing an unbuttoned shirt. Anita complains that Micah is wearing make-up (THE DEVIL’S PAINT) and has straight hair (THE DEVIL’S FLATTERY) and JC is catty because Micah doesn’t complain about being treated like an object. Although Anita never verbally complains… I guess JC gets the knowledge that the author has, because bad writing.

Anita starts actually complaining that everyone is dressed up for this super-duper-inportant banquet. Musette is attending, so it’s important and to do with BM, and there are three special mystery guests so they’re making themselves pretty to rub it in their faces about how they can’t touch them. So, JC is being a dick again. No changes there.

Some guy with Paolo is coming too and he’s bad because…. um, he just is. Then Asher dramatically reveals that Musette being here is to get revenge for Asher and JC – get ready for it…. – LEFT BELLE MORTE.

Didn’t BM kick Asher out? No, wait he was working for her again, but his issues are because she kicked him out, and JC seemed to have just drifted…. either way, this is just awful. Who cares?

“Men have killed themselves when she exiled them from her bed. Wars have been fought between rulers who were driven mad at the thought of any other man sharing Belle Morte’s favors.”

What wars. Tell me. What FRENCH wars have been fought over BM’s magical vagina? Here’s a link to all the wars involving France. Which ones were about vagina, exactly?

JC then contradicts this by saying this is about ‘politics’. Ah, vague, undefined politics. How fascinating. BM also considers herself the most beautiful woman in the world so is naturally insta-jealous of Anita.

God forbid that a female villain have a motivation that has nothing to do with her looks!

This means the guys have to be pretty because BM doesn’t see men as competition. Or something. I don’t care. This is what passes for complex political machinations in LKH’s writing.

I didn’t say it out loud, but Belle Morte wasn’t the only one who rarely did anything without having more than one motive.

Wow, that’s a buttfuck worded sentence.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty two


It wasn’t the apology I was expecting, but under the circumstances, any apology was better than none. Especially if I wasn’t having to give it.

That’s because you’re never sorry for any of the shitty stuff you do, isn’t it Anita? Because you’re a dead husk of a creature with no emotion and no thought.

Of course, it took them nearly five minutes to get me to hear their apology, because once I got a good look at the two of them in their banquet finery, I was rendered speechless, deaf, and damn near blind to anything else.

In this book where NOTHING HAPPENS, we are now taking a two page break to detail Asher and JC’s clothes. Sure, why the fuck not? It’s not like THERE AREN’T A MILLION SUBPLOTS THAT NEED RESOLUTION. And ‘deaf and damn near blind’? Fuck off, don’t use disability like that. But, sure, let’s go over clothes for two pages. Why not.

ASHER

  • He’s wearing a gold jacket with gold embroidery that’s metallic. Stay classy, Asher.
  • Anita just goes on about how gold it is. I got the fucking idea when you called it gold.
  • He’s got a frilly white shirt that looks like a ‘tamed cloud’. God, that’s ridiculous.
  • Anita knows that the shirt isn’t soft. I have no idea how or why I should give a shit about that.
  • He’s wearing matching shiny gold trousers. I see we’re back to period clothing as designed by the 1980s.
  • There’s some sort of patten down the sides of his legs. Like a matador. An electro-pop matador.
  • His boots are the colour of ‘oyster shells’.
  • I think LKH was confusing them with the paint colour ‘oyster shell’ which is a sort of beige. Lovely. Pale beige with a gold metallic suit.
  • The tops of the boots are ‘tied with brown leather belts’. Actual belts? I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for.
  • Asher is ‘all shiny and gold and eye-catching. It was like noticing the sun’. Well…. um, it’s easy to notice the sun. It’s right there in the fucking sky. It’s not hard!

JEAN-CLAUDE

  • JC is wearing a velvet coat. Velvet coats always make me think of badly dressed goths.
  • ‘It was opera length, flowing down to his ankles’. Opera. Length. What in the ever-loving name of fuck does that even mean? Have you ever even seen a single opera in your life? They don’t wear flowing capes and bellow at each other for three hours, you know.
  • There’s embroidery and shit all over it, but seeing as it’s in a really, really dark blue, I have no idea how the fuck she can see it.
  • JC is wearing a cerulean blue shirt. Har har that’s the title of the book.
  • Anita gets wet about JC’s amazing jewel blue eyes. Again. I GET IT SHE FINDS HIM ATTRACTIVE I DON’T CARE.
  • He’s wearing a giant sapphire. Because MONEY! Also he has ‘cornflower blue’ sapphires in his cufflinks. MONEY!
  • His hair is curly. ‘The black of his hair blended into the black of his coat, so that the hair was like a living accessory’. It’s actually a sapient creature. Maybe it’s a brain slug, and that’s why despite everyone calling JC a genius, he’s as thick as a ten-foot wide post.
  • JC is wearing boots that go all the way up to his crotch. ‘The entire length of the boot from ankle to ass was tied with a blue cord that matched the startling blue of his shirt’.

This is all I get from those two fucking pages dedicated to clothes. I do not find this sexy.

I was caught between going yippy-skippy I get to play with them both, and running like hell.

COULD YOU TALK LIKE AN ADULT FOR FUCKING ONCE?

Anyway, Anita was so dazzled by this amazing display of masculine charm that she’s literally just been standing there with her mouth open. Getting ready for later, huh? JC just sighs because they are so gorgeous that Anita is unable to do anything because she can’t function as an adult human being in any situation. Asher sighs because he shouldn’t have to contain such gorgeousness, and then it turns out that Anita’s being mind-dazzled by some vampire. Possibly. Who knows? LKH doesn’t know, she’s too busy fapping.

Anita starts to stroke their clothes.

“Look at yourselves, and tell me that any mere mortal isn’t going to stand there and say wow, for a few minutes.”

Well, this ‘mere mortal’ (ffffffuuuuuuuucccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk yyyyyyyyyooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu) would not say wow and stare. They all three talk about how amazing JC and Asher look.

i don’t care

Asher then starts apologising for ripping a huge chunk of Anita’s throat out and then falling conveniently unconscious so she was left helpless. This is because he was angry, probably because Anita’s hugely biphobic, but still, he came very close to killing her. He claims that he’s never done that to anyone before.

Yeah. The vampire has never ever ripped anyone else’s throat out. I believe that as much as I believe that the moon is made of feta cheese.

Anita forgives him because it’s clearly her fault that he decided to eat part of her neck.

This all means that Anita is in love with Asher because of JC’s shared memories. You know, that thing that was brought up as a plot-point IN BURNT OFFERINGS AND THAT THEY’VE ALL ALWAYS KNOWN ABOUT?

Do not piss on my steak and call in gravy. Don’t try and make up for your piss-poor writing by treating me like I’m stupid.

Anita talks about how she loooooooved licking Asher’s knees – OMG SO HAWT – and then she faints away because the memory of the orgasm is just too much to cope with.

No sex is that good, love. It’s not like it’s ice cream or fresh paella.

Anita then brings up that, oh yeah, BM’s been feeding on her and Richard. That’s only really important but we had to talk about the embroidery on Asher’s trousers.

“It is the old question of what would happen if an irresistible force met an immovable object.”

That the force would win?

“Asher being the irresistible force and me the immoveable object,” I said.

Then you’re going to lose in the end. This means something if the three of them want to sleep together. Anita says that if she drives Asher away, she’ll lose JC. Asher is annoyed that he’s being used as an excuse for Anita’s sexual experimentation and Anita takes her belt off, while thinking that she and Asher are the same.

In that you’re both murderous rapists. Then yes, you are a well-suited pair.

Anita starts stripping because she’ll have to be dressed all fancy too. I don’t know why. This is all more important than finding out that BM knows Anita doesn’t have the fourth mark, meaning that Anita could easily be turned into a servant to work against JC. But that’s to do with plot, so who the fuck cares?

Actually, it seems that BM could very easily kill Anita if she takes control of her. But that might work to make BM an actual antagonist, so everyone just ignores this revelation. Anita says that Asher is ‘destroyed’, smooth move there, and that how his punishment was to not have sex.

No one cares if he wasn’t allowed to get his dick wet. You know, some people – in fact, most people – can prioritise other things over sex. Sex is not THAT important.

Asher starts declaring that he would have rather died than have the punishment of no sex.

NO ONE CARES ASHER.

Asher and JC start fondling each other’s arms and Anita is SADFACE because they have a love she doesn’t understand so she immediately ruins their moment by shoving her big ugly face in it and demanding that they serve her.

Look, I can’t stand JC or Asher, they are disgusting, but I can’t stand Anita’s constant bi and homophobia. It sickens me.

She then casually reveals that the Mother of All Darkness has woken up.

BECAUSE TALKING ABOUT THE BUCKLES ON ASHER’S SHOES WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ACTUAL PLOT.

Asher thinks they should stop worrying about their relationship dramas until the knock-off Anne Rice plot has sorted itself out, but Anita just blames Asher for wanting physical intimacy with his boyfriend.

“Now, where are my clothes for this little dinner tonight?”

In the flames of Hell. Along with you.

Less than twenty chapters left. Where’s the ‘ancient crime’ from the blurb? What happened to that gangster who wanted a corpse raising? What is actually happening in this book?

I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty one


Whoops, sorry! Real life’s been kind of taking up all my time – I’m on a AET course, I’m going on holiday next week, my father’s been in hospital, and I’ve been working on a few other writing projects. Sorry, I just let the blog slide. Whoops.

Ok, plot recap. Anita is a big poophead and nothing makes sense. That about covers it.

Bobby Lee, hick bodyguard extraordinaire, is waiting for Anita at the doors of the Circus of the Damned. His mood is ‘not shiny’. I have no idea what that fucking means. Anita whines that the police didn’t believe her obvious lies that all her murderous bodyguards are her ‘deputies’.

I filled him in on what I’d learned at the police department while we walked down the nearly endless steps that led from the storeroom to the lower parts of the Circus of the Damned. The stairs were wide enough for four people to walk abreast, but the steps themselves were oddly spaced, as if whatever they were originally carved for wasn’t very human. They definitely had not been made for bipeds.

… but JC had the Circus of the Damned built. He’s a biped. This is a place for vampires as well as werewolves. Why would he build stairs that he can’t use? Except that bipeds clearly can use them, as YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THEM ANITA.

“I don’t know the name Heinrick,” he said.

I looked at him, so suddenly, that I stumbled, and he caught my arm. I realized in that moment that I didn’t know that much about Bobby Lee, not really. “You work for Rafael, you can’t be a white supremacist.”

That – that’s come out of nowhere. I think I got whiplash.

“Honey-child, I know white supremacists that specialize in hating people a little darker than Rafael.”

“Real Southerners don’t say honey-child.”

He grinned at me. “They do if you Northern bastards expect it.”

“We’re in Missouri, that ain’t exactly north.”

“It is where I came from.”

no brains

I have literally no idea what this conversation has to do with anything. This is 100% cardboard filling. Anita asks how Bobby Lee how he knows that bad things are going to happen if he doesn’t know the terrorists. I say this is incredibly stupid as ANITA was the one running around in fear of an imminent terrorist attack on the city. Bobby Lee says how this is obviously all aimed at Anita, which is far, and Anita is surprised by this.

THEY WERE STALKING YOU. HOW CAN YOU IGNORE THAT?

Anita asks about people who are not connected to the government, *wink wink*, because she’s thinking that Edward will solve this situation. Oh god, no. He will not solve anything. Bobby Lee says that JC and Asher have requested Anita’s presence because they owe her an apology or something.

The apology probably involves their dicks.

Man, this chapter was pointless.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty


Jason leaned his head back against the passenger seat of the Jeep. His eyes were closed, and he looked weary. There were hollows under his eyes even with them closed.

Well… a hollow under your eyes is under your eyes, and would be unaffected by the movement of your eyelids.

Jason was fair-skinned, not pale. He didn’t tan dark, but nicely golden.

He couldn’t look not white. Then he’d be disgusting and not worthy of being fucked. Anita asks whether he’s going to be okay for the banquet tonight.

What banquet? There’s a banquet? What the fuck?

Jason asks whether he’d be on his way to a secure facility without Anita’s help – no shit mate – and Anita says that as he’s got scratches, that’s clearly enough to convict someone and imprison them for life. Then Jason starts writhing and shuddering around in the back of the car and this is just SO HAWT that Anita forgets that she’s driving and skids across the road almost killing every other driver and their passengers.

This makes Jason smug like a fucking snake about how Anita notices him sexually now and isn’t that great that she ‘really sees [him]’. Obvs there’s nothing worth aiming for in life other than being seen as sexually attractive by the opposite gender. Then he drops the news that the killer – the killer Anita is supposedly hunting down – is actually a werewolf, just not a local one.

Gee, thanks shithead. It would have been nice to tell her earlier! What, were you waiting for the opportune moment? Thanks to you, another woman has been raped and torn into pieces. Congrats. You are a terrible excuse for a person.

The reason he didn’t tell her is because Jason presumed Anita already knew. He presumed through the power of LAZY WRITING and TERRIBLE CHARACTERS.

The two dither about how dogs won’t hunt werewolves, so they can track the scent, until they realise that, hey, another werewolf might be able to track the scent!

clap

Anita will tell this to Zerbrowski when he calls, as he’s sure to call Anita to solve this case, as she’s clearly such an intuitive and intelligent person. But they might have to wait until two or three more women are dead to make the suggestion.

Jason is actually horrified by this but Anita doesn’t care. Humans aren’t really worth much in the grand scheme of things, after all.

So I guess it’s okay for someone to go kill your father and half-siblings. They’re not worth saving, I guess. God, Anita is such a disgusting person.

Then there’s a pointless point about how humans are the most dangerous animal of all *gags*. That point is so stale I could use it to knock down buildings.

I had offended Jason. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure it was possible to offend him.

Until now I didn’t realise that he had thoughts and feelings of his own! Until now I didn’t realise that he counted as life! Until now I didn’t realise that most people will be disturbed if you openly admit to not caring whether people live or die! Take your pick, they’re all valid options.

Either he was growing up, or I was getting less diplomatic. Since I couldn’t possibly get less diplomatic than usual, Jason must have been growing up. For the first time in a while, I wondered if he would always be content to be Jean-Claude’s lap wolf and appetizer. And stripper, too. But you can’t strip and feed the vampires forever, can you?

Christ, Jason might have like, dreams, ambitions, you know, things that mean you should treat him like a human being rather than an object. Scary stuff, that.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty nine


Anita just walks into the police station and up to the RIPT offices without anyone questioning her or stopping her. It must be nice living in a world with no rules and no consequences for any actions.

Anita is greeted in the department by Detective Jessica Arnet, who is an actual woman detective so must be a horrible whore-bag. For a start, she’s only interested in asking after Nathaniel – ick – and Anita immediately derides her appearance so we know that she’s a whore-bag.

She laid the stack of folders down on a desk, not her own, and pushed back the hair from her face. There wasn’t enough of her dark hair to push back.

Unless she has a fucking buzz cut – which would be rad – there will be hair to push back. I guess LKH has never had short hair.

It looked like an old gesture from when she’d had longer hair. The short, barely-below-ear-level cut really didn’t flatter her face. But the face was still good, triangular, with delicate bones that framed her smile nicely. I’d never really noticed, but she was pretty.

Did Nathaniel ever want to date, just date? Not the dominance and submission stuff, but like dinner and a movie.

Obviously, people into kink are only ever interested in stuff to do with their kink. They are incapable of doing anything else at all. Anita asks Jessica where Zerbrowski is, and Jessica just directs her right there. On an aside, Jessica is my name. So that’s another name from my life that’s appeared in this series. Which is weird.

I went up on tiptoe outside the door, so I could look in the little window. Television will make you think that all police interrogation rooms have huge one-way mirrors that take up almost an entire wall. Very few departments have either the budget or the space for that kind of thing. Television uses it because it’s more dramatic and makes camera work easier. It seemed to me that real life is dramatic enough without big windows, and there are no good camera angles, only pain. Or maybe I was just in a rotten mood.

‘There are no good camera angles, only pain’. Just stop. Stop writing. Stop everything. Find something else to do.

She knocks on the door and is surprised that Zerbrowski tells her to go away. You see, Dolph is in the room, despite supposedly being on leave, and it was him who brought Jason in.

“Suspect? Why is Jason a suspect?”

“You don’t want to do this in the hallway, Anita.”

“No, I don’t, I want to come in the room, so we can all talk like civilized human beings. You’re the one keeping me out in the hallway.”

Yeah, because you’re not a police officer, you are not part of the investigation, you know the suspect, and you are a butt munch. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE ROOM, IDIOT. But, of course, Zerbrowski immediately lets her in. Dolph pouts like a child and growls about how he didn’t ask for her help, even though he did, that’s why we’re in this mess. Anita demands to know why Jason was brought in.

“He has defensive wounds on his body consistent with the crime.”

… and – and that’s it? Wow. Yeah. Dolph is just doing this to make a point, right?

“He’s a werewolf and he’s got defensive wounds,” Dolph said, “if he didn’t rape our vic, then he raped somebody.”

Riiiiight. A civil rights lawyer is going to eat you alive over this.

It’s now been bumped up to a rape and murder case because LKH can’t fucking leave the crime of rape alone for a single book. There was semen all over the two crime scenes – oh, they’ve found another female victim torn to pieces, so clearly Jason did it, despite the fact he’s been with Anita pretty much the whole time, and with other people, so there are a million and one witnesses who can back him up. But he’s all cut up, so clearly, he’s a rapist. Anita is forced to admit that she was the one who ‘cut him up’.

Then there’s some timey wimey wibbly wobbly bullshit about how much Jason’s wounds have healed, but the fact is that this is all about Dolph banging his chest and proclaiming that he find werewolves and sex with werewolves disgusting. Anita  then thinks about how much the system is stacked against werewolves, vampires, and magic users, but I don’t have much sympathy seeing as 99.9% of all supernatural creatures we’ve seen in the series have been unrepentant murderous sex criminals with no self control.

Dolph is then disgusted because Anita is clearly pregnant and clearly she has no idea who the father is because she’s a sluuuuuuuut. Tammy Reynolds has been telling everyone how Anita vomited and passed out which is a clear sign of pregnancy.

“You’ve never passed out before,” Dolph said.

BULL. SHIT. Anita has passed out two or three times in every single book! Her response to a bad situation is to pass out like a fainting goat!

“Have you been tested for Vlad’s syndrome, yet?”

Thanks Dolph, thanks for reminding her that her baby might be born severely disabled (if she were pregnant).

“You’re either one of us, or you’re one of them, Anita.”

Of course, all critics of Anita are hideous unrepentant bigots. That’s how you know they’re the bad guys. Dolph goes on about how Jason is an ‘it’ and how all vampires are monsters (tru fax, that) and Anita throws it in his face that she’s now fucking two vampires, because she’s a sexual object even to herself.

“I knew you were coffin bait, I didn’t know you were a whore.”

“How’s that grandchildren problem coming, Dolph? You still got a vampire for a soon-to-be daughter-in-law?”

This must be so super awkward for Zerbrowski and Jason who are just watching this and are helpless. Dolph starts going on a HULK SMASH rampage, destroying the interview room, and making all the police officers in the building run into the room, guns drawn (which is super unsafe, you should never draw and point your gun unless you definitely are going to shoot it. Guess policies like that are why American police officers seem to be always killing people). Anyway, Dolph is upset because his son is going to be turned into a vampire, so that means doing something massively illegal to make himself feel better. Anita consoles him by saying that she hates people being made into vampires, so can he let Jason go?

Nope. He’s staying in custody. Jason is being sent to a secure facility that is supposed to be like a ‘full moon hotel’ but actually it’s an illegal prison that you can never leave and no one has stopped them because…

That’s what you get for bringing logic into this!

Anita says it’s not necessary, because Jason can control his beast, but Dolph wants him put away because he’s a werewolf.

“Locked up just because he’s a werewolf,” I said it.

Your bigotry metaphor doesn’t work considering that werewolves LITERALLY CANNOT STOP THEMSELVES FROM RAPING AND DEVOURING PEOPLE ALIVE. Everyone decides to tip-toe from the room and leave Dolph alone for a few minutes. Zerbrowski tries to be all ‘shucks I know jason ain’t guilty hurr hurr’ but Anita is sad. If it’s revealed how massively bigoted Dolph is, then the whole RIPT department is sunk.

Yeah, wouldn’t it be dreadful if a police force in Missouri was made of bigots. *raises eyebrow*. My, this has gotten awkward due to recent events.

Anita asks Zerbrowski to ensure that Dolph goes on an extended break and then runs. To be fair, I wouldn’t want to try and console Dolph. He seems like a huge asshole with a huge anger problem.