A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter forty


Jason leaned his head back against the passenger seat of the Jeep. His eyes were closed, and he looked weary. There were hollows under his eyes even with them closed.

Well… a hollow under your eyes is under your eyes, and would be unaffected by the movement of your eyelids.

Jason was fair-skinned, not pale. He didn’t tan dark, but nicely golden.

He couldn’t look not white. Then he’d be disgusting and not worthy of being fucked. Anita asks whether he’s going to be okay for the banquet tonight.

What banquet? There’s a banquet? What the fuck?

Jason asks whether he’d be on his way to a secure facility without Anita’s help – no shit mate – and Anita says that as he’s got scratches, that’s clearly enough to convict someone and imprison them for life. Then Jason starts writhing and shuddering around in the back of the car and this is just SO HAWT that Anita forgets that she’s driving and skids across the road almost killing every other driver and their passengers.

This makes Jason smug like a fucking snake about how Anita notices him sexually now and isn’t that great that she ‘really sees [him]’. Obvs there’s nothing worth aiming for in life other than being seen as sexually attractive by the opposite gender. Then he drops the news that the killer – the killer Anita is supposedly hunting down – is actually a werewolf, just not a local one.

Gee, thanks shithead. It would have been nice to tell her earlier! What, were you waiting for the opportune moment? Thanks to you, another woman has been raped and torn into pieces. Congrats. You are a terrible excuse for a person.

The reason he didn’t tell her is because Jason presumed Anita already knew. He presumed through the power of LAZY WRITING and TERRIBLE CHARACTERS.

The two dither about how dogs won’t hunt werewolves, so they can track the scent, until they realise that, hey, another werewolf might be able to track the scent!

clap

Anita will tell this to Zerbrowski when he calls, as he’s sure to call Anita to solve this case, as she’s clearly such an intuitive and intelligent person. But they might have to wait until two or three more women are dead to make the suggestion.

Jason is actually horrified by this but Anita doesn’t care. Humans aren’t really worth much in the grand scheme of things, after all.

So I guess it’s okay for someone to go kill your father and half-siblings. They’re not worth saving, I guess. God, Anita is such a disgusting person.

Then there’s a pointless point about how humans are the most dangerous animal of all *gags*. That point is so stale I could use it to knock down buildings.

I had offended Jason. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure it was possible to offend him.

Until now I didn’t realise that he had thoughts and feelings of his own! Until now I didn’t realise that he counted as life! Until now I didn’t realise that most people will be disturbed if you openly admit to not caring whether people live or die! Take your pick, they’re all valid options.

Either he was growing up, or I was getting less diplomatic. Since I couldn’t possibly get less diplomatic than usual, Jason must have been growing up. For the first time in a while, I wondered if he would always be content to be Jean-Claude’s lap wolf and appetizer. And stripper, too. But you can’t strip and feed the vampires forever, can you?

Christ, Jason might have like, dreams, ambitions, you know, things that mean you should treat him like a human being rather than an object. Scary stuff, that.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty nine


Anita just walks into the police station and up to the RIPT offices without anyone questioning her or stopping her. It must be nice living in a world with no rules and no consequences for any actions.

Anita is greeted in the department by Detective Jessica Arnet, who is an actual woman detective so must be a horrible whore-bag. For a start, she’s only interested in asking after Nathaniel – ick – and Anita immediately derides her appearance so we know that she’s a whore-bag.

She laid the stack of folders down on a desk, not her own, and pushed back the hair from her face. There wasn’t enough of her dark hair to push back.

Unless she has a fucking buzz cut – which would be rad – there will be hair to push back. I guess LKH has never had short hair.

It looked like an old gesture from when she’d had longer hair. The short, barely-below-ear-level cut really didn’t flatter her face. But the face was still good, triangular, with delicate bones that framed her smile nicely. I’d never really noticed, but she was pretty.

Did Nathaniel ever want to date, just date? Not the dominance and submission stuff, but like dinner and a movie.

Obviously, people into kink are only ever interested in stuff to do with their kink. They are incapable of doing anything else at all. Anita asks Jessica where Zerbrowski is, and Jessica just directs her right there. On an aside, Jessica is my name. So that’s another name from my life that’s appeared in this series. Which is weird.

I went up on tiptoe outside the door, so I could look in the little window. Television will make you think that all police interrogation rooms have huge one-way mirrors that take up almost an entire wall. Very few departments have either the budget or the space for that kind of thing. Television uses it because it’s more dramatic and makes camera work easier. It seemed to me that real life is dramatic enough without big windows, and there are no good camera angles, only pain. Or maybe I was just in a rotten mood.

‘There are no good camera angles, only pain’. Just stop. Stop writing. Stop everything. Find something else to do.

She knocks on the door and is surprised that Zerbrowski tells her to go away. You see, Dolph is in the room, despite supposedly being on leave, and it was him who brought Jason in.

“Suspect? Why is Jason a suspect?”

“You don’t want to do this in the hallway, Anita.”

“No, I don’t, I want to come in the room, so we can all talk like civilized human beings. You’re the one keeping me out in the hallway.”

Yeah, because you’re not a police officer, you are not part of the investigation, you know the suspect, and you are a butt munch. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE ROOM, IDIOT. But, of course, Zerbrowski immediately lets her in. Dolph pouts like a child and growls about how he didn’t ask for her help, even though he did, that’s why we’re in this mess. Anita demands to know why Jason was brought in.

“He has defensive wounds on his body consistent with the crime.”

… and – and that’s it? Wow. Yeah. Dolph is just doing this to make a point, right?

“He’s a werewolf and he’s got defensive wounds,” Dolph said, “if he didn’t rape our vic, then he raped somebody.”

Riiiiight. A civil rights lawyer is going to eat you alive over this.

It’s now been bumped up to a rape and murder case because LKH can’t fucking leave the crime of rape alone for a single book. There was semen all over the two crime scenes – oh, they’ve found another female victim torn to pieces, so clearly Jason did it, despite the fact he’s been with Anita pretty much the whole time, and with other people, so there are a million and one witnesses who can back him up. But he’s all cut up, so clearly, he’s a rapist. Anita is forced to admit that she was the one who ‘cut him up’.

Then there’s some timey wimey wibbly wobbly bullshit about how much Jason’s wounds have healed, but the fact is that this is all about Dolph banging his chest and proclaiming that he find werewolves and sex with werewolves disgusting. Anita  then thinks about how much the system is stacked against werewolves, vampires, and magic users, but I don’t have much sympathy seeing as 99.9% of all supernatural creatures we’ve seen in the series have been unrepentant murderous sex criminals with no self control.

Dolph is then disgusted because Anita is clearly pregnant and clearly she has no idea who the father is because she’s a sluuuuuuuut. Tammy Reynolds has been telling everyone how Anita vomited and passed out which is a clear sign of pregnancy.

“You’ve never passed out before,” Dolph said.

BULL. SHIT. Anita has passed out two or three times in every single book! Her response to a bad situation is to pass out like a fainting goat!

“Have you been tested for Vlad’s syndrome, yet?”

Thanks Dolph, thanks for reminding her that her baby might be born severely disabled (if she were pregnant).

“You’re either one of us, or you’re one of them, Anita.”

Of course, all critics of Anita are hideous unrepentant bigots. That’s how you know they’re the bad guys. Dolph goes on about how Jason is an ‘it’ and how all vampires are monsters (tru fax, that) and Anita throws it in his face that she’s now fucking two vampires, because she’s a sexual object even to herself.

“I knew you were coffin bait, I didn’t know you were a whore.”

“How’s that grandchildren problem coming, Dolph? You still got a vampire for a soon-to-be daughter-in-law?”

This must be so super awkward for Zerbrowski and Jason who are just watching this and are helpless. Dolph starts going on a HULK SMASH rampage, destroying the interview room, and making all the police officers in the building run into the room, guns drawn (which is super unsafe, you should never draw and point your gun unless you definitely are going to shoot it. Guess policies like that are why American police officers seem to be always killing people). Anyway, Dolph is upset because his son is going to be turned into a vampire, so that means doing something massively illegal to make himself feel better. Anita consoles him by saying that she hates people being made into vampires, so can he let Jason go?

Nope. He’s staying in custody. Jason is being sent to a secure facility that is supposed to be like a ‘full moon hotel’ but actually it’s an illegal prison that you can never leave and no one has stopped them because…

That’s what you get for bringing logic into this!

Anita says it’s not necessary, because Jason can control his beast, but Dolph wants him put away because he’s a werewolf.

“Locked up just because he’s a werewolf,” I said it.

Your bigotry metaphor doesn’t work considering that werewolves LITERALLY CANNOT STOP THEMSELVES FROM RAPING AND DEVOURING PEOPLE ALIVE. Everyone decides to tip-toe from the room and leave Dolph alone for a few minutes. Zerbrowski tries to be all ‘shucks I know jason ain’t guilty hurr hurr’ but Anita is sad. If it’s revealed how massively bigoted Dolph is, then the whole RIPT department is sunk.

Yeah, wouldn’t it be dreadful if a police force in Missouri was made of bigots. *raises eyebrow*. My, this has gotten awkward due to recent events.

Anita asks Zerbrowski to ensure that Dolph goes on an extended break and then runs. To be fair, I wouldn’t want to try and console Dolph. He seems like a huge asshole with a huge anger problem.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty eight


I opened the Jeep and heard my cell phone ringing. I kept leaving it in the car, forgetting I had it. I slid onto the warm leather of the seats, fumbling for the phone from under the seat, even as I closed the door behind me. Yeah, it would have been cooler with the door open, but I didn’t want my legs hanging out the open door while I lay across the seat. Not because bad guys were after me, just normal girl paranoia.

It’s… hot? And ‘normal girl paranoia’ means my legs can’t stick out of things? I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how LKH can’t sound like a person who lives on this planet.

It’s JC, and he’s phoning to tell her that Jason has been taken into police custody.

They’re questioning him in relation to the murder scene that Anita dragged him to and made him contaminate. Oh, no, sad trombone, looks like your actions have consequences. JC then bothers to ask his girlfriend what happened after Asher ripped a chunk of her throat out. She says that she was a bit ill, and JC is so unconcerned that he returns to talking about Jason. He was taken away in restraints, wise for taking werewolves into custody, and JC is worried. He thinks that the police might be prejudiced against werewolves, considering that for ten or so books we’ve been told that they are hated by all of society.

“The law applies to everyone, Jean-Claude, that’s the way the system works.”

Really? Really?

“You are not usually so naive, ma petite.”

“If the law doesn’t apply even to everybody, then it doesn’t work at all.”

REALLY? Anita, the law has never applied to you, so shut up. Anyway, she’s going off to rescue Jason. The phone call ends and she worries that ‘the mess with Asher’ might split her and JC up. Oh, no. Then she wishes she had a different life.

Whatever.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty seven


His name was Leopold Walther Heinrick. He was a German national. He was suspected of almost every large crime you could think of. And by large I mean not petty. He wasn’t a pursessnatcher, or a con artist. He was suspected of working for terrorist groups worldwide, mostly those with a decided Aryan bias. It wasn’t that he’d never taken money from people that weren’t out to make the world safe for bigots, but he seemed to prefer from work with them. He’d been linked to espionage that specalized in helping paler people either stay in power or get power over people that were less pale.

  • Thanks for clarifying that ‘large crime’ does not, in fact, mean ‘small crime’.
  • And then for further clarifying that Leopold Heinrick does not commit small crimes. THANKS FOR THAT.
  • He’s an Aryan terrorist. Right. And the German police haven’t caught him before now because… look, the German government takes far-right neo-nazism VERY VERY SERIOUSLY.
  • VERY SERIOUSLY MY GOD.
  • The German government are probably just going to immediately extradite this guy.
  • And Aryan terrorist groups are… pretty rare in Europe. Look, there are an unfortunate amount of far-right extreme political groups, but that’s the thing – they’re political movements. They are not terror movements. Most white power extremists who commit atrocities in Europe tend to work alone. They are not highly organised terror movements. It’s almost like the governments of Europe take a very serious and dim view of neo-nazism.
  • That last sentence. Just say white power or neo-nazism.
  • None of this absolves any of the rampant racism in your works.
  • This was published in 2003, and probably written in about 2002. I’m not sure that you and your fictional universe are suited to discussing such a sensitive topic as terrorism. Plus, using terrorism in your book just after a serious terror event is seriously gross.

Anita has been handed a lot of surveillance photos, even though she has no right to be working in this case seeing as she has a PRETERNATURAL jurisdiction. She immediately susses that the pictures are from a hip level spy camera.

Anita Blake, you have no experience with spy cameras or a case of this level. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RECOGNISE WHAT IMAGES FROM A SPY CAMERA LOOK LIKE?

The police start discussing what they’re going to do and Anita just knows that this all must mean that a terrorist attack is imminent.

Time out, time out. These are homicide detectives and one delusional woman. This is waaaaayyy out of their pay level. This is shit the CIA deals with, not any of these chuckleheads.

O’Brien thinks there’s not much they can do with grainy photos – there is nothing you can do anyway, when the CIA extradite the guy to Germany.

I nodded. “I agree. I’ll do my best to come up with more before we have to beard the lion in its den.”

“Beard the lion in its den?” she shook her head. “What have you been reading?”

I shook my head. “I have friends that read to me, if there aren’t pictures, I’m pretty much lost.”

  • ‘Beard the lion in its den’? Ok, I’ve looked it up, and it is a real phrase. It just sounds ridiculous.
  • Anita Blake can’t even read without someone doing it for her. How the hell did she get through university?

Actually, Micah, Nathaniel, and I were taking turns reading aloud to each other at night. Micah had been shocked that neither Nathaniel nor I had ever read the original Peter Pan, so we’d started with that. I’d then discovered that Micah had never read Charlotte’s Web. Nathaniel had read the book to himself as a child, but no one had ever read it to him. In fact, he didn’t ever remember being read to as a child. That was all he said, just that he’d never had anyone ever read aloud to him when he was small, but that one bit of knowledge seemed to speak volumes. So we were taking turns reading aloud to each other, a bedtime ritual that was more homey, and strangely more intimate than sex, or feeding the ardeur. You didn’t read your favourite childhood stories aloud to people you fucked, you read them to people you loved. There was that word again, love. I was beginning to think I didn’t know what it meant.

“Blake, Blake, you in there?”

Anita Blake zoned out in the middle of TRYING TO STOP A POTENTIAL TERRORIST ATTACK (allegedly) to think about the power of reading.

She then starts to panic about how she’s the focus of a terrorist plot, ignoring the fact that Heinrick is a hired gun. He gets hired out by people, so no, Anita, you’re not the focus of a terrorist plot. I hope.

Ugh, I’m too tired for this shit. Let’s bullet point!

  • Anita bitches about democracy. Again.
  • She worries a vampire might have hired Heinrick to kill her.
  • O’Brien offers police protection to Anita. OK, you’ve got a guy associated with all those huge powerful Aryan terrorists in a city with a well-established black and hispanic population that still has problems with entrenched racism, segregation, and integration. And you think ANITA is the focus of attention? Really?
  • Anita asks for copies of the police reports so she can get IDs for Heinrick’s colleges. O’Brien says no because she wants to stick with ‘Interpol’.
  • Not going to tell the CIA, the FBI, or the government about the major terrorist in your custody?
  • Nope?
  • EUGH.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty six


Three hours later I was sitting in the outer office of the police station, sipping really bitter coffee, and waiting for someone to let me talk to my prisoners.

headbutt

They’re not your ‘prisoners’. For a start, they aren’t imprisoned. They’re suspects – yes, yes, we know they have been maliciously loitering, but they are officially suspects at this point. Although, without any evidence, I’m not sure what they can be charged with. A good lawyer will be able to argue that they were waiting for something at the Circus and then Anita fucking Blake jumped out with a bunch of armed guys. Unless it’s illegal to be parked in a parking lot, there’s not much the police can do. It’s just lucky the car turned out to be stolen and full of weaponry. *rolls eyes*

The dark-haired guy who’d been so sullen turned out to be ex-army, so his prints came up. Strangely, he had no criminal record.

Hold up, that’s impossible. The suspects have been in custody for three hours. Do you know how long it takes for a fingerprint result to come back? A day to three weeks, depending on backlog. The results would not be back this quickly!

Anita whines that she hasn’t seen Detective O’Brien – oh, the drama – and that she can’t see the suspects without a policeman present. She’s not been arrested, which she should be fucking grateful for, but she can’t do anything. The suspects have asked for their lawyers and they’ll be free in seventy two hours (slightly less now). The only way the police can keep them is if their fingerprints bring back any criminal warrants – feasible, in the time frame.

The local police weren’t happy with anyone with ‘federal’ as part of their title messing in local crime.

This is happening in St. Louis. You… you work with the St. Louis police force. They are YOUR local police.

2859e-facepalm_dean_winchester

A woman came to stand in front of me. She was about five eight, wearing a black skirt that was longer than it was stylish, but then, her comfortable black shoes weren’t exactly cutting edge either. Her blouse was a dark gold that looked like silk but was probably something easier to clean. Her hair had been dark brunette, but was so streaked with gray and silver and white that it looked like she’d streaked it on purpose. Natural punk.

FUCK YOU

Sorry, that was a kneejerk reaction to that ‘natural punk’ shite. Fuck off out of my subculture, shitstain.

Notice how this new female character is automatically framed in the most unattractive and negative way possible. She’s too poor for silk, she’s dowdy, she’s wearing old practical clothes, and she looks old. We must look down on her for being at work and wearing sensible clothing – not like Anita Blake’s mini-skirt and high heels. Blech. This is Detective O’Brien, and she wants to know whether Anita knew why the suspects were following her.

“Yet you felt the matter was so urgent that you deputized,” she checked her notes, “ten civilians to help you capture these two men.”

I shrugged and gave her pleasant, empty eyes. “I don’t like being followed by people I don’t know.”

“You told by officers on sight that you suspected the men of carrying illegal weapons. That was before anyone had searched them, or the car. How did you know they were carrying illegal weapons,” there was the slightest hesitation before she said, “Marshal Blake?”

I love Detective O’Brien.

Anita whines how she’s being made to feel guilty when she’s done nothing but told the truth. Whatever, Anita.

“That is the absolute truth. I wish I knew something to conceal from you, but I am as much in the dark on this one as you are.”

“Don’t try batting those big brown eyes at me, Ms. Blake, I’m not buying.”

“Are you accusing me of trying to use my feminine wiles on you, Detective?”

“Not exactly, but I’ve seen women like you before, so cute, so petite, you give that innocent face and the men just fall all over themselves to believe you.”

I looked at her for a second, to see if she was kidding, but she seemed serious.

You have done that. You DO do that. Shut up Anita.

“Whatever axe you’re grinding, find someone else’s forehead to sink it into. I have come in here and told nothing but the truth. I helped get two men off the streets that were carrying firepower with armor-piercing, cop-killing ammo. You don’t seem very damned grateful.”

Oh, I suppose those bullets pass through civilians without causing any damage at all. They only kill police officers. Fact.

She gave me very cold eyes.

What is Anita going to do with a frozen pair of eyeballs? Make eyes-cream?

“You’re free to leave anytime, Ms. Blake.”

I stood, then smiled down at her, and knew my eyes were as cold and as unfriendly as hers. “Thanks so much, Ms. O’Brien.” I emphasized the Ms.

“That’s Detective O’Brien,” she said, as I’d almost been sure she would.

“Then it’s Marshal Blake to you, Detective O’Brien.”

“I earned the right to be called detective, Blake; I didn’t get grandfathered in on some technicality. You may have a badge, but it doesn’t make you a cop.”

BLESS. BLESS. THAT’S 100% ACCURATE AND TRUE AND O’BRIEN IS BEING SET UP AS A SCARY SUE SO THIS IS GOING TO BE RUINED BUT SHE’S SO RIGHT SHE’S SO RIGHT I LOVE HER BLESS BLESSSSS

Jesus, she was jealous.

What, jealous of doing no work and yet being given everything you could possibly want? Who would be jealous of you, Anita? You don’t have a life. You have nothing of worth,

“I may not be your kind of cop, but I am a duly appointed federal marshal.”

“You can interfere on any case involving the preternatural. Well, this one doesn’t involve the preternatural.” She gazed up at me, face calm, but still showing signs of anger. “So have a nice day.”

Something awful is going to happen now, but that is another thing of beauty. Because she’s right. Anita has no authority, moral, legal, or otherwise. She’s a little girl playing dress up and throwing a tantrum because an adult has told her no.

Another detective runs in about how one of the suspects is a ‘international super spy’.

I grinned at the other detective. “Interpol came back with a hit, huh?”

He nodded eagerly. “The German guy is wanted all over the place, industrial espionage, suspected terrorism…”

  • O’Brien’s point still stands. Anita still had no right to get herself involved in this shit.
  • He’s a ‘super spy’. That involves no preternatural crime. Again, it’s nothing to do with you Anita.
  • Is it just me, or does this guy sound like knock-off Hans Gruber?
  • You should have had this guy had links to the Stasi or something.
  • This is 2003. What kind of German terror group is running around Europe right now?
  • He’s a terrorist. And now he’s coming after Anita. Yeah, whatever. Make him into a hitman, that would make much more sense.

This all equals SHUT YOUR FACE ANITA.

ALL OF IT. SHUT ALL OF YOUR FACE. RIGHT NOW.

NOW.

SHUT.

IT.

LET ME RUB O’BRIEN’S AWESOMENESS IN YOUR FACE.

RUBBBB.

Anita graciously allows O’Brien to take the credit, while making O’Brien sound like a huge mega bitch. Now she’s been chastised and punished, Anita can like her.

I did not care for this chapter. At all. Quick, someone write me a fic where Methos takes Anita’s head off! And then runs away with me.

shush your faces

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty five


They’d only been following me for one day, as far as I knew, so why such determination to find out why? One: It’s usually better to know than to not to know when people are following you, and two: I was in a truly foul mood.

They’ve only been following you for a few hours, tops. They followed you down the road to the Circus, where you have remained. It wouldn’t take a genius to follow you, love. Anita thinks about Asher because she’s not sure whether she even loved him in the first place (you didn’t, the two of you never really interacted in any meaningful way) and whether she was wrong to be angry with him (you weren’t). She’s not feeling ‘holier-than-thou’ today, so she’s sad. She’s worried that Claudia might get killed from driving a car in a parking lot.

“You alright, Anita?” Bobby Lee asked.

“No, I’m not. I’m really not okay with this.”

“With what?”

“This, all of it.”

Oh Lord, she’s worried about a woman driving in a parking lot. *facepalm*

Bobby Lee said that both Fredo and Claudia could make the accident look real, they were both drivers. He said drivers like it should have been in capital letters. I’d asked to be one of the drivers, and I’d been informed that I didn’t know how to DRIVE, and I couldn’t argue with that.

Anita starts literally praying that Claudia doesn’t die in a simple bump-against-a-bumper accident. Fredo and Claudia bump their cars – wait, I thought the plan was to bump into the Impala? Whatever, I don’t care.

Claudia got out, all tall and feminine even from a distance.

Being far away doesn’t change what people look like.

The guys who’ve been following Anita actually drive over to see what happened in the accident. They are suck at their job. Then they get boxed in by a few cars and an entire circle of gunmen leap up out of nowhere to surround them. You’d think the police would be a bit iffier about how JC and Anita appear to have their own private army.

Then there are two pages of Anita standing outside the Impala trying to get the guys out of it. And LKH forgets to tell me who is saying what and doing what so I have no idea what I’m doing. Anita asks ‘does anyone have our backs?’ and because that’s such a stupid phrase someone has to further clarify whether that means she’s looking for backup. Anita panics that there might be a sniper with a rifle – whatever – and there’s another page of waffle before Anita even thinks to ask the guys in the car to wind their windows down.

sunset crying

Anita asks what they’re doing, and one of them is German because reasons. She demands them to come out of the car and threatens killing one of them, as she only needs one to live, is that clear?

“Yes,” the other one said, “Crystal fucking clear.” Oh, yeah, he was American, only we have that poetic turn of phrase.

Golly gosh Jeeves, apparently us British shitbags aren’t fucking allowed to use the fucking swear words that we only gone and fucking devised in the fucking first place, thou foul-mouthed dickbulge twat!

Then everyone hears police sirens.

“Never a cop when you need one,” Bobby Lee said, “try to do anything illegal, and they’re all over ya.”

Pfft, I’ve read ten books of this nonsense, the police never show up for anything. Luckily, Anita’s a federal marshal, so she can do whatever she likes. She deputises everyone, calls herself a police officer (no), and is happy. Well, not as happy as she could have been if she’d shot someone.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Cerulean Sins’ chapter thirty four


I was looking through a pair of binoculars at a car parked at the far corner of the Circus of the Damned employee parking lot.

Is the parking lot far enough away to justify using a pair of binoculars? Or is this just to make Anita look cool? The two guys in the car look fairly innocuous – one blond and one dark haired.

I watched them sitting there and wondered why they weren’t at least reading a newspaper, or drinking coffee, something, anything.

Because they are suck at doing their job. They’re sitting there making it incredibly obvious that they’re watching the Circus. Why can’t LKH write a SINGLE competent character? I’m not setting the bar high here – I want to believe the narrative! I want to suspend my disbelief! And I can’t when I have to question every single little thing.

They’d done everything they were supposed to do, according to Kasey Krime Stoppers 101.

OK. That’s it. That’s all the potential credibility gone down the fucking drain the second she decided to write ‘Kasey Krime Stoppers 101′. What the fuck does that even mean? How am I supposed to take it as anything other than something a fucking child would write?

Bobby Lee, Hick Bodyguard, has the astounding idea that perhaps these guys just don’t give a shit about being seen.

Or that the author is just absolutely incompetent at writing tension or intelligent characters.

Anita whines about why would people be following her, why can’t they just leave her alllllloooooonnnnnneeeeee? She then says how most vampire servants and followers aren’t very smart.

Hey, I’m not arguing with that. I have found that statement to be very accurate in the series so far.

Bobby Lee asks about the two guys, and Anita assumes that he means JC and Asher as she has the concentration span of a gnat. Anita starts to panic because she might get everyone killed and that means she’s losing her nerve.

It’s two guys in an Impala. Anita, you have dealt with so much worse. The fact that she keeps piling on the OMGDRAMAS makes me think that the guys will turn out to be important. That’s not how you write a good narrative! It spoils what’s going to happen! ARGH!

Claudia then appears. Out of nowhere.

She wore a navy blue sports bra and a pair of dark blue jeans. She usually wore sport bras, I think because she had trouble finding shirts that fit over the spectacular spread of her shoulders and chest. She was a serious weightlifter, but not to the point where you’d ever mistake her for masculine. No, Claudia was definitely all girl.

scary scream

What was the point of that? What did that even add to the story or the plot? Did we need this infodump about Claudia’s fucking bra?

Anyway, they’re all stood in some cubby hole watching the guys watching them. The plan is for two people to drive out and… um, do something? I don’t know.

“Claudia’s going to drive one of the cars for our little plan,” Bobby Lee said.

“I thought the plan was for someone who looked harmless and normal to drive both cars.”

Claudia gave me a flat unfriendly look.

As she should! What the hell is wrong with Claudia? And then it’s spun into it’s Bobby Lee’s problem, as in he’s a big old sexist meanie, when it’s Anita with the problem?

“Are you really telling me that the bad guys -

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG YOU ARE AN ADULT WHY ARE YOU USING THE PHRASE ‘BAD GUYS’ YOU ARE AN ADULT WHO FIGHTS CRIME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

- would feel less threatened by Claudia than by a shirt, less-powerfully built man?”

Um… that shouldn’t be a surprise, Anita. I’m not surprised by that. Why is Anita surprised by the existence of sexism and a patriarchal system?

“Men just don’t see women as a threat, no matter how big they are, and all men are suspect no matter how small.”

I shook my head. “Why, because we have breasts and you don’t?”

“Give it up, Anita,” Claudia said, “just give it up. They’re men, they can’t help it.”

A man is having to explain sexism to a woman.

See, this is why I can’t suspend my disbelief for one single paragraph of this tripe.

Claudia has to dress up as a ‘real girl’ which means Anita thinks she is now worthy of being called attractive. Blech. This book stinks of internalised misogyny. Especially when Claudia and Anita have a moment of ‘hehheh no matter what we do, we’re still girls!’ which just….. urggh.

And the fact that you were a girl overshadowed everything else for most men. It wasn’t good or bad, it just was. A woman will forget that a man is male, if they are good enough friends, but men rarely forget a woman is feminine. Most of the time it bugged the crap out of me, but today we’d use it against the bad guys -

*twitch*

- because they’d see all that hair, those breasts, and they’d underestimate her, because she was a girl.

I’ve been looking at this paragraph for about twenty minutes. I have no idea what to say. I just can’t deal with how dense she is about gender issues.