A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Nariccus in Chains’ chapter fifty eight


I woke lying on the edge of the tub with only one arm in the water with Damian.

AND WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T YOU DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE???????????????

I DON’T HAVE ANY RESPECT OR PATIENCE FOR BOOKS WHERE THE PLOTS ONLY ADVANCE DUE TO UTTER STUPIDITY

Anita has been covered in cold towels. I think this is stupid. She passed out and everyone was worried because shapeshifters don’t get heat exhaustion. They weren’t concerned enough to get a doctor, mind. Passing out is dangerous. Heatstroke is dangerous. But that would require one of these characters to have intelligent thought.

“How long was I out?”

“Not long,” Asher said, smoothing the towel so that it molded to my legs.

Oh, yes, that is incredibly important to know.

Damian turned his head slowly to look at me. His eyes were clear, bright, alive again. His eyes were the colour of emeralds, and it wasn’t caused by vampire powers, it was his natural eye colour, as if his mother had fooled around with a cat to get him here. People just didn’t have that color of eyes.

They do in hack fiction. Anywho, Damian has fed on Nathaniel and is all better and at peace because Anita is his master. Whoop de fucking doo.

Truthfully, I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I was a beneficent ruler.

What ever gave you the impression that you were?

Damian rubs his face on her arm – WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND FACES – and he’s so happy to be saved and Anita thinks they’re both screwed. For once, I don’t disagree with her.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty seven


I was shoulder-deep in water so hot it made my skin pink. I was so hot I was almost ill, because I was still fully dressed, including all my guns.

That’s… stupid, then. Anita is whining because she has to be with Damian in the magic bathtub o’healing because she’s his master. He goes into convulsions otherwise. Anita and the gang went back to her house, and Anita was relaxing, only Damian had started vomiting blood so Anita has to keep on touching him now.

Use your magic healing powers Anita. Goddamn.

This leads into a big discussion about how impossible it is for this to be true because no one has fucking learnt that the rules mean nothing to Anita. All the rules of the universe get broken for her because she’s so super special.

I had protested, demanded, but nothing I could do or say made it untrue.

Oh, grow up.

Asher waltzes in wearing a beach towel. Anita complains about how hot she is so Asher has to tell her to strip off some clothes. She’s just too stupid to do it otherwise, and Anita has to be naked if there’s more than one man in the room. Anita asks Asher to strip off and jump in the tub because her magic vagina will cure the gay out of him! because he has to strip off for reasons. He’s worried she’ll stare at his junk, because that’s the ongoing issue with Asher – does he have a penis or not. Anita admits she would not be unable to look away from his crotch because she can’t shut her fucking eyes and Asher can’t wear underpants.

Asher doesn’t like this, as he can’t put on underpants to prevent her from looking.

“Yes, I’d look just for sheer curiosity’s sake, how could I help it? You’ve teased and taunted about how bad your injuries are. You’ve set it up so that I’ll have to look, have to see.”

No, you don’t. Asher is your friend. How about you respect him by NOT GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY TO STARE AT HIS DISFIGUREMENT.

“But if you don’t know by now that I just want to see you nude, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

what the funken wagnel does that mean?

Anyway, Asher has to jump in the bath to undress Anita as she is unable to do it herself. Nathaniel is suddenly in the bathtub. How big is this thing? This is a normal house, with a normal bathroom. When did Anita have a swimming pool installed? Nathaniel is here because Asher told him Damian needs to feed…. with his mind? I have no idea. Nathaniel strips off Anita.

I have no idea how Nathaniel is in front of Anita and also behind her.

Anita needs to get out of the heat or she’s going to be sick. How hot is the water? Asher says Damian has to be ‘warm’ but not hot. Heatstroke happens when your body temperature is over 40 degrees, but you have to be unable to have a means to regulate your body temperature. Bath water tends to be hotter than your body temperature, so how hot is the bath water? Anita has to have been in the water a long time, and bath water cools off fairly quickly so…

I don’t have any answers to this, and I know hot baths can make some people sick, but it seems weird to me. I don’t understand why Damian can’t be in the bath while Anita holds his hand. If he just needs contact, she doesn’t have to be in the bath with him. Nathaniel and Asher begin ripping Anita’s clothes off and put a cold towel on her head.

You should cool down her veins at her joints. I’ve had heatstroke, and you need to cool her internal temperature. Making her head cold isn’t going to do much good.

Asher and Nathaniel took my weight and Damian’s and moved us back to the far edge of the tub -

HOW BIG IS THE BATH???

- as Gil came in and started cleaning up the mess. Gil had cleaned up a lot of messes tonight, and he’d never bitched, not once. He did a double take at the pieces of my shirt floating in the water, but never commented aloud. He made a good flunkie. Did what he was told and didn’t ask questions.

Yeah, because you said you’d kill him.

Anita is now nude and then she passes out.

Um, stuff happened? I guess?

I have why this book hasn’t stopped yet.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty six


Everyone is stood around Damian’s coffin with a gun with just one round in because… we’re playing Russian Roulette now? I have pretty much given up trying to make sense of this book, there’s no plot. The lid is lifted up from Damian’s coffin and Damian tries to strangle Zane. People start screaming, no one shoots Damian, and Anita stands around, watching this happen, BECAUSE SHE’S FORGOTTEN THAT SHE’S A NECROMANCER WHO CAN CONTROL DAMIAN.

AGAIN.

ARJKRHRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anita tries to shoot Damian in the head but he lunges for her, knocks her to the ground, and rips open her chest. Wow, such good vampire hunter. Makes you wonder how she ever survived the first one, because she’s consistently crap at doing it.

I screamed again and had to adjust the angle of the gun, because if I’d pulled the trigger, the bullet would have gone through his head into my chest.

How are you holding that gun?

Anyway, Anita’s blood makes Damian snap back into his right mind. Who’da thunk it. Anyway, he’s safe because nothing in this series has a consequence.

Anything else on how Anita is totally going to become a wereleopard?

wink

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty five


“You bastard, you fed off her energy while she was in there.”

…. whaaaaaatttttt

So, JC forcibly fed the ardeur on Gretchen, who was locked in a coffin and unable to consent to being fed on.

2859e-facepalm_dean_winchester

JUST STOP JC. YOU ARE AWFUL. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.

AWFUL.

Anita is upset – which is a real swing in her characterisation – so JC beats her to the ground and pins her down.

No, please, keep trying to tell me that JC is a romantic hero. Tell me how wonderful and considerate he is, as he beats his girlfriend to the ground to try and defend raping a vampire woman with magic for three years.

JC wants Anita to hear him out and … he’s bleeding from the mouth? I dunno. He tries to argue that this is just what happens if you shut vampires away, forgetting that his girlfriend is a necromancer. And can work this out. And has the ardeur, so can probably tell when that’s involved in things.

arhyrherherrgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

There’s two pages of Anita recapping what happened in Obsidian Butterfly. Hurray. She can do mummy spells and undo them. Yay. She’s shared these memories with JC. He then whines that he had to drag energy from Gretchen because Anita wouldn’t let him feed on her. SAD FACE.

you mean aside FROM THAT PACK OF WOLVES YOU HAVE TO CALL AND CAN FEED ON AT ANY TIME YOU WANT. YOU HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE TO FEED ON WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT NOT FEEDING ON ANITA? WOW WHAT A CONSIDERATE BOYFRIEND YOU ARE THAT YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO WHAT SHE WANTS, YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT.

JC sits on her some more and whines about how Anita keeps ‘forcing me to do things I do not wish to do’.

UM ASSHOLE YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO FEED ON GRETCHEN. THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE JUST LOUNGING AROUND IN SKIMPY OUTFITS FOR YOU TO FEED ON. YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ‘FORCED’ INTO ANYTHING. YOU ARE JUST AN ASSHOLE.

JC continues with his whining. Oh, Anita and Richard have too many rules and morality, so he has to rape women he has locked in boxes, and he doesn’t like doing – YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT – because Anita just won’t let him feed on her.

She’s allowed to have a hard limit. JC is basically one of those guys who tries to put things in your butt even when you have told him no a thousand times.

They get up, and JC then takes away the mind of Jason, ready for Gretchen to feed. Oh, yeah, unconscious feeding, that’s not problematic at all. Gretchen feeds on Jason and Anita feels awkward because… this is something she should be pretty damn used to, so I have no idea why she’s getting all hot and bothered. She stares at Micah. JC does some magic and Gretchen un-mummifies. Gretchen is all angry but Anita vows to look after her.

Now, let’s rescue Damian. Asher pulls out a gun. Where the hell have all these people come from? Anita swears that they’re going to save Damian.

Ten chapters left.

There are ten chapters left of this.

NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

 

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty four


Let’s see what nothing happens today.

Jean-Claude gave Jason the keys to the locks on the silver chains. He’d spent the last hour explaining everyone’s job.

?

‘I want you to open the coffin, you to stop them from leaping out, and then we’ll feed her.’ That took me ten seconds to say. What was so difficult? Anita’s panicking because Damian might be too lost and the madness might be permanent and she’s not powerful enough apart from the fact that she’s a fucking necromancer.

Jason raised the lid, slowly. Not because it was heavy, but because, I think, he was scared, too. The idea of being Gretchen’s first meal had made him laugh, that anticipatory sound that is half-grown up male, and half little boy. The sound that men reserve for things that combine sex and usually sports, cars, technology, or danger – depends on your man. I’m sure there are men out there that would give that purring, excited laugh at the thought of gardening, or poetry, but I haven’t met them. Might be an interesting change, though.

You feel that. That’s a magical hammer coming to slam you down into your gender box. Because men must ALWAYS be interested in sex and MANLY things, and women don’t ever experience sexual anticipation and don’t have any interests outside what is WOMANLY.

Fuck your gender norms.

Jason opens the coffin and does a sexy tear. Anita wants to know what’s wrong and JC says go look and then forgive me. Anita looks in the coffin and Gretchen has turned into a living mummy.

I have never been scared by anything LKH has written. I find her attempts at gore very bland and boring. Today is no different. It’s just a vampire mummy in a box. I don’t feel anything visceral, no thrill, no chill of horror. It’s just a dried up body in a box. LKH’s writing is so bland and emotionless that it fails in the thriller aspect of her mixed genre mess.

Anita punches JC in the face.

this is a pointless book entirely pointless NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS

Plus today the 50 Shades trailer launched and the internet is abuzz with shitty people trying to market it as ‘sexy oooo’.

DOTTIE’S THOUGHTS ON THE THE FIFTY SHADES TRAILER

  • It’s boring.
  • BOOORRRRRINNNNG.
  • WHITE PEOPLE BEING ALL BORING.
  • You know that bit where he forcibly fingers his victim at his parent’s dinner table? They put that in the trailer. That’s EL James’s present to all abused women everywhere: triggers everywhere, with no warnings.
  • That’s how you get people to see films! Force them to have panic attacks!
  • Ana is like a blowup doll. One of those really realistic ones with hair and all the proper holes.
  • Grey is even more of a blackhole of charisma’cant than he is in the book.
  • The BDSM is baaaaaaad. Not as in ‘good/bad’ but in the ‘that looks incompetent and done by people who know fuck all and couldn’t be bothered to research anything’. In that sense, this is probably one of the most accurate adaptations ever made.
  • The trailer tells the entire story of the film. Entitled white guy finds his perfect victim, they have dirty-filthy-really-really-plain-and-boring-BDSM-like-people-think-that’s-shocking sex. Ana is overawed by the power of his whiteness.
  • Since when has BDSM been shocking? I’ve seen worse on BBC2.
  • I’m going to get a milkshake.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty three


My whole house smells like fried chicken. I live above a KFC and I’ve had all my windows open, so every room smells finger lickin’ delicious. I bet there’s a room in Hell just like that, only you can never get outside.

Anita and Bobby Lee walk through to some place where there are coffins. We’re actually rescuing Damian, that half-baked subplot that never seemed to go anywhere. She states at the coffins.

“Which one is your boy?” Bobby Lee asked.

I shook my head. “Don’t know.”

“I thought you were supposed to be this boy’s master.”

“That’s the theory.”

“Then shouldn’t you be able to tell which box is which?”

I glanced at him, gave a small nod. “Point.”

Pointing out the holes in your plot doesn’t make you a smart or clever author. It means you’re a lazy, terrible writer.

Anita stares at the coffins some more. She puts her hand on one of them and something bangs inside it. She jumps and then remembers she’s a fucking necromancer. She finds out where he is.

I said a quick prayer, and I didn’t even feel odd praying to God about a vampire. I’d had to give up my narrow ideas of God a long time ago, or give up church and everything I held dear about my religion. The deal was, if God was okay with what I was doing, then I had to be, too.

Leviticus 19:31

“Do not turn to mediums or necromancers; do not seek them out, and so make yourselves unclean by them: I am the Lord your God.”

I like casually pointing these out. But, anyway, they’re going to find Damian.

I didn’t approve of torture.

No.

no

You’ve tortured a lot of people, Anita. Don’t even go there with me.

Anita goes to the other coffin and works out that it’s not Damian. Congrats. JC swans in and Anita is distracted from her horror of torture -

laugh (2)

- sorry that will never not be funny, the idea of Anita with morals. Anyway, Micah’s getting dressed and now Anita wants to know who’s in the other coffin. It’s Gretchen, right? The woman abused by JC and shoved into a coffin for good measure? But knowing that would require Anita to have the brains of a frog, so we have a long, drawn out bit of the righteous Anita wanting to know what’s in the box. JC explains this but Anita still doesn’t understand that Gretchen has been in the box since The Lunatic Cafe. Anita is unhappy about Gretchen being in the box for three years.

Nope, not even close.

Anita freaks out because omg torturrrr. Anita is then upset because Damian has lost his mind and…. stuff. His mind has faded or something, I don’t care. JC says that Gretchen is even worse and Anita thinks they should let her out. Or kill her. She wants to let Damian out so JC will have a bath run.

Of course.

Anyway, they can’t let them both out because JC… just doesn’t want to. Or doesn’t have enough power or some bullshit. Anita points out that Asher can help but that’s bad because he’s upset and you just can’t trust him. He points out that Asher’s pissed because he can’t have a relationship with JC – a man he has loved for centuries, but has now pulled out NO HOMO on him except when Anita approves of some man-on-man action – and JC says he would like to be in a physical relationship with Asher, if Anita wasn’t so homophobic about it all.

But he won’t ever show Asher physical affection because they couldn’t do it in public because it would hurt anita despite the fact she’s ok with it with micah arghahahahaahahaha i hate this

Anita is upset.

I have no idea what is going on or why this is even a book.

A review of Laurell K. Hamilton’s ‘Narcissus in Chains’ chapter fifty two


I sat on the white couch with its brand-new bullet hole. Micah sat down beside me, and since he was naked, that was… interesting.

Why? Does he have a doughnut penis? Anita finds it uncomfortable – why? You’ve been around so many naked people before – and can’t look at him. People hover around. Gil cowers in the corner, as anyone would after dealing with two grown men rolling around, tearing each other’s throats out. Asher stares at people. JC then swans back into the room.

I’d dated him on and off for nearly three years; a twenty-minute cleanup was nothing short of miraculous.

It’s been three years since Burnt Offerings? LIES. JC is swanning around in a robe.

Micah’s pulse races. This makes Anita’s pulse race. JC and Micah titter over this and JC is going to take blood from Micah’s neck. There’s a page of JC hovering around Micah’s neck and Anita suggests that the huge crowd leaves. JC bites Micah and they fall over the back of the sofa.

I was left kneeling on the couch, staring up at the line of Micah’s nude body, seeing without doubt that what was happening was making his body happy. His face was slack with need, pleasure.

I don’t like, fragments.

His hands convulsed over Jean-Claude’s arm, and he half-screamed, half-shouted, “God!”

Wow. So excite.

JC sort of falls on Anita’s lap from his position… at the back of the sofa, and Asher comes in to point out that Anita is supposed to be rescuing Damian. JC snarls at Asher and Asher is like ‘FFS if you wanna fuck, I’ll just leave’.

OK, I hate Asher, but he’s like Richard. He keeps saying sense.

Anita tells Asher to ‘put the attitude on ice, I can’t deal with it right now’. What attitude? He’s telling you to do something.

“So sorry that my discomfort annoys you.”

“Fuck you, Asher.”

Where did this come from? Why do you hate Asher? And not Micah?

Asher leaps on her and glares into her face.

“Don’t offer things you’re not willing to do, ma cherie, because that is annoying.”

What does that even mean?

Asher stalks out the room and Anita decides to rescue Damian.

 

 

 

wow that was pointless